Escape from Elba
Exiles of the New York Times
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Author Topic: Creative Writing  (Read 28643 times)
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bartolomeo
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« Reply #1905 on: October 31, 2007, 12:38:49 PM »

Gordon awoke in his cell, after a long string of bizarre dreams about lethal ceiling tiles, road trips through Texas, Chloe in Paris, stool samples, and intelligent nutria.  It was still dark, but the LED panel on his clock radio told him that it was the morning of Halloween.  He realized he had wakened early because he was eager to get started on his costume before breakfast.  "If only," he muttered, "I had some striped pyjamas..."

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"History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes."
desdemona222b
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« Reply #1906 on: October 31, 2007, 03:44:22 PM »

"Then I'd be able to dress up as a grampa for Halloween."  Gordon heaved a heavy sigh.  Prison life was getting so old, and life was just so boring!  "What I wouldn't give for just one night on the outside," he thought.  Suddenly, and escape plan occurred to him...one so unique...so unheard of...that...
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Beppo
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« Reply #1907 on: November 01, 2007, 09:35:40 AM »

even his prison cellmate, Wurzel Mangelshrub, nodded his approval.  Angry
« Last Edit: November 01, 2007, 11:17:41 AM by Beppo » Logged
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« Reply #1908 on: November 01, 2007, 10:02:02 AM »

still the cell mates were happy as could be.  "Here's the deal," whispered Gordon.  "I've been experimenting with breeding hybrid rats with teeth sharp enough to chew through concrete.  Here are my little darlings now."

He removed a cage that had been hidden under his bunk.  Inside were two huge black rats with teeth several inches long.

"Wurzel, Soleil, meet Buzzsaw and Wadcutter, my creations!"  An evil laugh erupted from the pit of his stomach...
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bartolomeo
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« Reply #1909 on: November 01, 2007, 11:46:54 AM »

Mangelshrub chuckled at the evil laugh, covered as it was with stomach juice and mucus.  "Most impressive, mein freund, but if their teeth can chew through prison walls, how is it that you can keep them confined in that little cage?"

"It's quite simple really," said Gordon....

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"History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes."
desdemona222b
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« Reply #1910 on: November 01, 2007, 12:04:30 PM »

the cage has been coated with my own formula of rat repellent -  I call it Ratsbane!  In fact, as soon as I'm out of here, I plan to start my own pyramid scheme with my Bane line!  Punksbane, Ratsbane, TrickorTreatersbane - distributors will hire others to be distributors, the recruiting distributor gets a cut of everything, and so on down the line.  The only thing I haven't figured out yet is how to get anyone to actually sell the stuff, but never mind.  The instant we've escaped, I'm going to become a Capitalist!
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whiskeypriest
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« Reply #1911 on: November 02, 2007, 10:26:22 AM »

"Not so fast" Wurzel said as he thumbed through the makeshift diary.  "It's like my gramma always said.  Heaven will castigate those that don't masticate."

"I'm in prison" Gordon wailed.  "All I can do is masticate!"
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pugetopolis
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« Reply #1912 on: November 02, 2007, 10:52:23 AM »

"You have a point," Wurzel said... 

"An idiotic one, but a point."

"What, my dear Wurzel, is that?" asked Gordon.

"The best prisons are snarky one-liner prisons..."

"Like here in the Creatve Writing Forum...?" asked Gordon.

Wurzel yawned. "One-liner minds are dime-a-dozen..."

"Just listen to them..."
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“Other people's obsessions
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bartolomeo
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« Reply #1913 on: November 02, 2007, 01:21:03 PM »

"Motivate walrus walnut weasel blind pinetar perspective in deference to captive emollient fiber-optic titmouse colloquium, siphoning bladder remnants in direct dirigible packets of ennui and simplified pencil effluvium," said Gordon.  Then, seeing the problem, added, "Sorry that went on for more than one line.  If I'd summarized, it would have been clarified immensely."

"No," said Wurzel, "you needed to stick with the rhythm.  Condensation would have rendered it lifeless and glutted with linear meaning."

"Whatever you say," said Gordon.  "I am not the owner of my words.  In fact, if I gave them all away without a fuss, they'd probably let me out of here."

"How would you order pizza," asked Wurzel.

"That's the point," said Gordon.  "I wouldn't order pizza. "

"How is that a point?" asked Wurzel.

"Forget it.  Everything you eat turns to shit anyway."

"You're a pessimist," said Wurzel.

"No, a realist," said Gordon.  "It's all part of the cycle of life."

 
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pugetopolis
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« Reply #1914 on: November 02, 2007, 01:45:49 PM »


"Everything you eat turns to shit anyway."


"See what I mean?" said Wurzel.

"They do seem rather anally-fixated, don't they?" remarked Gordon.

"Yeah, they've got a one-liner circle-jerk admiration society here in this forum."

"Every other word like the quote above. Creative? ...Yawn."
« Last Edit: November 02, 2007, 02:18:16 PM by pugetopolis » Logged

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desdemona222b
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« Reply #1915 on: November 02, 2007, 02:03:57 PM »

Quote
"See what I?" said Wurzel.

"They do seem rather anally-fixated, don't they?" remarked Gordon.

"Yeah, they've got a one-liner circle-jerk admiration society here in this forum."

"Every other word like the quote above. Creative? ...Yawn."


"'See what I?'" replied Gordon.  "I think you must mean 'What I see?'  Or maybe 'See what I mean?' Oh well, I don't really care - I guess I'll just lord it over the people I don't like and officiously inform them that I've placed them on ignore because they aren't discussing the correct film with a cc to the 'admidnistrator'.  Or maybe I'll threaten to post non-existent letters.  Then I may just play the pot calling the kettle black by accusing others of being anal.  Who knows?"

"What's more, who CARES?" responded Werther, Wurzel's intelligent brother.  "It all hinges on actually getting a real life."
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desdemona222b
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« Reply #1916 on: November 02, 2007, 02:16:54 PM »

"Oh, and while I'm at it, let me just emphasize that if you can't elucidate rather than obfuscate, then not only are you going to get a good dressing down, you're going to get pugetopolized*"





*"pugetopolize" - to get "flamed" in a supercilious, condescending manner, then be accused of victimizing the flamer because he's gay.  Also, to be subjected to dozens of photos of semi-nude young men and Angelina Jolie in Nazi drag.
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pugetopolis
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« Reply #1917 on: November 02, 2007, 02:20:43 PM »

It was a dark stormy night...

And Desdemona was still on her broom...
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“Other people's obsessions
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MrUtley3
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« Reply #1918 on: November 02, 2007, 06:57:29 PM »

Suddenly, she spied a newt. Nt a large newt, mind you, but a puny, pinkish newt. It reminded her of her previous lover, who came home one day to announce he was leaving with his boyfriend for a new life in the Village. Eyeing the newt, now, she was filled with an uncontrollable rage, and she cast a spell upon that newt. And it became a Republican. And it grew and grew, until it became Speaker of the House. 
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whiskeypriest
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« Reply #1919 on: November 03, 2007, 08:33:44 AM »

But that was long ago.  Now, Newt was being led into the cell by a screw.  He eyed Gordon and Wurzel apprehensively.  "Hi!" he effused.  "I'm Newt.  Please don't rape me."

"Well" Gordon said, "as long as you ask nice."
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What does it matter?  All is grace.
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