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Exiles of the New York Times
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Author Topic: Comedy  (Read 8020 times)
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elportenito1
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« Reply #360 on: April 15, 2008, 09:08:14 AM »

There was a nun, a priest, a pastor, a rabi, a  imam a grasshoper and a glass of wiskey. (I'm sorry, the phone is ringing, I'll be back shortly)
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in vino veritas
barton
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« Reply #361 on: April 15, 2008, 12:23:43 PM »

WELL??? 

I'm waiting....

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"History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes."
ponderosa
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« Reply #362 on: April 15, 2008, 02:34:32 PM »

There was a cop, his wife, some stolen marijuana, some vicodin... and yes, we have a gun in the house.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHTzpXyXO-4
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madupont
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« Reply #363 on: April 16, 2008, 03:04:45 AM »

http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/28045,features,world-leaders-episode-6-youre-a-big-titted-liar

Episode 6: Brown has it out with his famous flatmates
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obertray
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« Reply #364 on: April 17, 2008, 01:22:00 PM »

From The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin.

Brit humor that is actually funny! Here's a link to the quotes section http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073990/quotes


Colin Pillock: It's my great pleasure to welcome back Reginald Perrin, the former head of the amazing Grot shops chain. I understand you're now running a community called "Perrins", Mr. Perrin?
Reginald Perrin: Yes.
Colin Pillock: It's been described as a community for the middle-aged and the middle-class in what used to be Middlesex.
Reginald Perrin: Yes.
Colin Pillock: Tell me, Mr. Perrin, are you running this community for the benefit of humanity, or simply to make money, or is it a giant confidence trick?
Reginald Perrin: Yes.
Colin Pillock: I hope you're not going to tie yourself to this monosyllabic repetition of "yes".
Reginald Perrin: No.
Colin Pillock: Oh good, because our viewers might think it a waste of time for you to come here and say nothing BUT "yes".
Reginald Perrin: Yes.
Colin Pillock: So, which of them is it, Mr. Perrin? A social venture for the benefit of mankind? Purely a commercial venture? Or a con trick?
Reginald Perrin: Yes. It's all three of them. That's the beauty of it.
Colin Pillock: What kind of people come to this community?
Reginald Perrin: Well, at the moment we've got a stockbroker, an overworked doctor, an underworked antiques shop owner, a disillusioned imports manager, and an even more disillusioned exports manager. Three sacked football managers, a fortune teller who's going to have a nervous breakdown next April, a schoolteacher who's desperate because he can't get a job, a schoolteacher who's even more desperate because he has got a job, an extremely shy vet, an overstressed car salesman and a pre-stressed concrete salesman. People with sexual problems, people with social problems, people with work problems, people with identity problems. People with sexual, social, work and identity problems. People who live above their garages, and above their incomes, in little boxes on prestige estates where families are two-tone, two-car and two-faced. Money has replaced sex as a driving force, death has replaced sex as a taboo, and sex has replaced bridge as a social event for mixed foursomes, and large deep freezes are empty except for twelve sausages. They come to Perrins in the hope that they won't be ridiculed as petty snobs, but as human beings who are bewildered at the complexity of social development, castrated by the conformity of a century of mass production, and dwarfed by the immensity of technological progress which has advanced more in fifty years than in the rest of human existence put together, so that when they take their first tentative steps into an adult society shaped by humans but not for humans, their personalities shrivel up like private parts in an April sea.
Colin Pillock: I, er, I see...
Reginald Perrin: Not too monosyllabic for you, I hope?
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Kam
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« Reply #365 on: April 18, 2008, 04:10:00 PM »

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.  When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official, accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."
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MrUtley3
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« Reply #366 on: April 23, 2008, 12:58:35 PM »

Reporter: That's some spacesuit you have there, Mr. Jimenez. Can you tell us about it?

Jose Jimenez: THE SPACESUIT OF THE ASTRONAUT OF THE INTERPLANETARY...THE SPACESUIT OF THE ASTRONAUT COST $18,000.

Reporter: Wow! $18,000!

Jose Jimenez: Well...it has two pair of pants....Dat's why it cost so much...the spacesuit,that is.
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When the waves turn the minutes to hours?
ponderosa
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« Reply #367 on: April 23, 2008, 11:07:06 PM »

Ed Sullivan: So, is that your crash helmet?

Jose Jimenez: Oh, I hope not.
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elportenito1
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« Reply #368 on: April 24, 2008, 10:48:56 AM »

barton: Youse have a weird sence of humour in America, I don't get it, what's so funny about a number eating another?...cruel? violent?..sad?, yes. But I can't see anything funny about the demise of a number at the hands of another.

Next time come up with something cheerfull., there's enough sadness in the world as it is, we don't need your sad rithmetic stories.
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in vino veritas
MrUtley3
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« Reply #369 on: April 24, 2008, 03:42:59 PM »

The trouble with "sad 'rithmetic stories" is that they tend to multiply, and that can cause a division among some of us. It's best not to add any, as it can subtract from the humorous atmosphere that is so often found here.
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Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the waves turn the minutes to hours?
barton
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« Reply #370 on: May 12, 2008, 03:40:03 PM »

Well, if we're descending into the depths here....


Man:  Doctor, I've got a weak back.

Doctor:  When you did you first notice this?

Man:  About a week back.

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madupont
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« Reply #371 on: May 13, 2008, 05:11:39 PM »

Okay, if that is the mood around here,

"What is Politics?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of
the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator
of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that
and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."

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barton
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« Reply #372 on: May 14, 2008, 09:50:07 AM »

ROFL!!
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Detective_Winslow
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« Reply #373 on: May 23, 2008, 03:47:58 AM »

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D90QL6NG0&show_article=1
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I hope that I haven't offended anyone.
barton
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« Reply #374 on: May 23, 2008, 11:58:47 AM »

Winslow -- your link is not even remotely funny.  To even suggest that this sickening tragedy is humorous puts the lie to your tagline's statement that you are not trying to offend anyone.  Obviously, you are working overtime on being offensive.

Here's the thing -- no one really cares enough about you or your postings to bother being offended, or to offer any attempt to talk you off the narrow ledge you are obviously perched on.   I suspect that, underneath your sad little displays of grossness and stupidity, is the desire to somehow connect with people -- perhaps you feel that your posts will somehow create a filter, blocking out most of us, but admitting one kindred soul who "gets" what you are about.

I don't think it works that way.   Conversations here are textual -- any latent charm you might have will not show up, as all we have to read are your words and your tasteless links.  Even if someone should chance to think that what you do is some kind of performance art or there is some kind of subtext, I imagine that their next thought will be that you've failed in your mission to get it across.  I think this failure lies in the essential failure to first make a connection, to first establish that you really are a person -- in order to go "off the reservation" you first have to be ON the reservation, and be somehow recognized.  From what I've seen of your posts, that hasn't really happened.   I'd suggest you start over, get a different moniker, and actually try to relate to people here before you push the envelope and go to your dark places.





 

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"History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes."
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