Escape from Elba
Exiles of the New York Times
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Author Topic: Comedy  (Read 8211 times)
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« on: June 05, 2007, 11:51:21 AM »

Hear a funny joke?  Tell it here.
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liquidsilver
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« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2007, 11:53:45 AM »

Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its balls.

The first man says: "Gee, I wish I could do that."

The second man replies: "Shouldn't you pet him first?"
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« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2007, 12:12:34 PM »

PERSON 1 (doubled over in pain)
Ouch... I've got a weak back!

PERSON 2
When did you get it?

PERSON 1
Oh, about a week back.
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Kam
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« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2007, 07:56:09 PM »

As with any joke i think its all in how its told.  Heres some raw material, its an oldie ... but a goodie.

3 Religious men of different faiths went on a trip to the wild and are captured by the local savages.  As luck would have it, the leader of this unwashed bunch was fluent in English.  As the three men were bound and brought before the chief, they were told they'd be judged and sentenced in short order.  The chief, who was also the local judge, pronounced them all guilty of trespassing.  The men were apologetic, explaining their religious cloth and why they were there. 

"This is not important" The chief spoke after a polite interval.  "You have trespassed on our holy grounds, which is a high crime." 

The men of the cloth looked at each other, one a Christian missionary, one a Jewish Rabbi, the other...a Buddhist monk.  They were men of strong faith and were willing to listen to what this mortal man had to say to them.

"The penalty is Death!"

A collective "GULP" could be audibly perceived.  Seeing his captive audience momentarily rattled, the chief pressed on..

"But as you have not come armed with weapons of any kind, it is clear you are simply unfortunate and not a threat to us... so i will offer you a deal.  You can choose death... OR... you can choose Unga-Bunga."

The wise old Rabbi spoke up and said to his comrades, and for the chief to hear.

"It will be better to continue to live so that i might again one day tend to my flock... I do not know what Unga-Bunga is but i cannot consciously choose a non life-affirming path.  THEREFORE... I choose Unga-Bunga.

At that the tribal chief clapped his hands and made a loud whistling call.  The savages all in unisom made a great howling-yell that could cause your hairs to stand on end and during this tumultuous cacophony they then grabbed the Rabbi and proceeded to rape him in all his orifices until they left him limp and ragged in a naked heap, still breathing but in very poor shape.  At this the tribal chief turned to the horrified Christian Preacher and Buddhist Monk.

After an interval, the Preacher spoke up...

"While the Rabbi looks in quite poor shape he DOES appear to still be alive, and his prior arguments were sound. I'll still be able to tend to my flock and besides, its not as if my church is completely foreign with the concept of what just transpired... I too choose Unga-Bunga"

Well now a repeat of the same but even harder and more graphic.  The preacher is tossed aside as the Rabbi was before him:  Bruised, Battered, but unmistakably still Alive.

The chief then turned to the Buddhist Monk and asked.. "Which will it be for you, let me guess... you want Unga Bunga so you can remain alive to tender to your flock" he chuckled.  At the suggestion, the monk merely smiled and politely, almost inaudibly spoke...

"I do not believe that Death and Life are important distinctions.  We are all one. I am at peace. I do not fear Death.  Go ahead and kill me if you must."

The chief slowly nodded.  "Then it shall be for this brave one...  DEATH!... by UNGA-BUNGA!!! 
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« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2007, 08:24:34 AM »

I don't know why we need comedy when we have celebreality?
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whiskeypriest
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« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2007, 08:39:57 AM »

Well, here's one told to me recently by an HR director....

What do you call an African American flying a plane?





















The pilot, you racist.
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whiskeypriest
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« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2007, 09:06:03 AM »

Oh, and this one was told me years ago by a Teamsters Business Agent:

Q. How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Seven.  You got some sort of fucking problem with that, asshole?

The answer being best said while aggressively jabbing your finger into the hearer's chest.
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« Reply #7 on: June 06, 2007, 09:38:42 AM »

A condemned inmate wants to leave them laughing.

Patrick Knight is collecting jokes and will pick the funniest one for his last statement before he is set to die June 26 for shooting his neighbors, Walter and Mary Werner, to death almost 16 years ago outside Amarillo.


http://www.officer.com/article/article.jsp?siteSection=1&id=36374
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« Reply #8 on: June 06, 2007, 10:43:40 AM »

You're in the lead Whiskey
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whiskeypriest
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« Reply #9 on: June 06, 2007, 10:51:49 AM »

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were out camping.  In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up Watson and says, look up and tell me what you see.

Watson looks up.  "I see the moon and many, many stars."

"Good."  Holmes says.  "Now, tell me what you deduce from the moon and stars."

Watson thinks for a moment.  "Well, I deduce that the weather is fair."

"No.  That is an observation, not a deduction."  Holmes said.  "Try again."

Watson thinks a little longer.  "Well," he finally says, I know that each of those stars are like our sun.  And I know that planets revolve around our sun, so I deduce that there are planets around at least some of those stars."

Holmes remained silent.  Watson continued,  "And, just as there is life on this planet, given the number of stars and the size of the universe, I deduce that there must be intelligent life on at least some of those planets.  That's what I deduce from seeing the moon and stars."

"No, Watson, you idiot."  Holmes broke in.  "Someone has stolen our tent."
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« Reply #10 on: June 06, 2007, 11:57:11 AM »

A guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey. He drinks all three. He does day after day after day, and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you."

The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. I have two brothers over in Ireland, and I love them. This glass right here is for Finnian and this one here is for Fergus, and this one is for me. This way I can feel like we here together having a drink."

He comes in day after day after day, the bartender sets up three glasses.

And then one day, the guy says, "Give me two shots today."

"What happened? Did something happen to one of your brothers?" the bartender asked.

The guy says, "Oh, no! They're okay. It's just that I quit drinking."
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liquidsilver
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« Reply #11 on: June 06, 2007, 09:40:22 PM »

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"
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« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2007, 10:54:29 AM »

The three shots of whisky joke reminds me of this one:

A man in a bar is boasting that he can take one sip of anything served and name the brand. 

"Name this, then," challenges a fellow drinker and sets a shot of amber liquid in front of him.

The man takes a sip, chokes, and spits it onto the floor.  "My god, man, that's PISS you gave me!"

"Yes it is," says his companion, "but WHOSE??"
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« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2007, 03:17:50 PM »

Do we have a protocol in place here for groaning and such?  I mean, if no one reacts, it's just a list of jokes, which is a fine thing and all, but I'm just asking...

Perdu, your joke certainly has a ring of truth to it.  I'm thinking of developing a third (and more upbeat) act for the joke, involving "saved by the bell," but it's going to need some work.


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« Reply #14 on: June 07, 2007, 04:35:55 PM »

The three shots of whisky joke reminds me of this one:

A man in a bar is boasting that he can take one sip of anything served and name the brand. 

"Name this, then," challenges a fellow drinker and sets a shot of amber liquid in front of him.

The man takes a sip, chokes, and spits it onto the floor.  "My god, man, that's PISS you gave me!"

"Yes it is," says his companion, "but WHOSE??"

Another guy walks into a bar, turns to the bartender and says, "GIve me three shots of your best single malt!"

The bartender sets them up and the guy downs them one-two-three---

Bartenders says, "What's your hurry? That's great scotch you got there, you should take time to appreciate it."

The guy says, "You'd hurry to if you got what I got!"

Bartender: "what do you got?"

Guy "Only 50 cents."

 Grin
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Does anyone know where the love of God goes
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