Comedy

[whiskeypriest]

GROANGuy walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey.  Barkeep pours them out and the guy drinks them down, one right after another.  The barkeep says, "I gotta ask.  Five shots of whiskey.  Is this a special occasion?"

"Well," the man said, "today was my first blow job."

"Hey, fantastic!" the barkeep says.  "Let me pour you another shot, on the house."

"No, that's o.k.," the man said.  "If five shots won't kill the taste, nothing will."

[pugetopolis]

That was a good one. It reminds me of the one about the cute bellboy who had a huge humdinger...

[whiskeypriest]

So George Bush is wandering the White House late at night, mulling over his presidency.  It all seemed to be going so badly.  If only there was something I could do to help my country.  As he was thinking these thoughts, he bumped into the ghost of George Washington.  He knew that the ghost's sudden appearance and his thoughts had to be connected, so he asked the ghost, "Tell me, ghost of George Washington, how can I best serve the people of my country.

The ghost of George Washington told him, "I could not tell a lie.  I was resolutely honest.  To best serve your country, go thou and do likewise.  Be honest, do not lie,"

Bush thought about this for a minute.  "But so much of what I've done is based on lies.  The Iraq war, my entire economic policy is based on the agenda of big business and not what's best for the country, and my support from social conservatives will plummet if they know I am just making a front of my religious faith.  Can't do it.  Any other suggestions, First?"

The ghost of George Washington disappeared.

The next night, the same scenario, except he runs into the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.  Jefferson's ghost says, "The ghost of George Washington tells me you had a question he couldn't answer."
 
"Yes," Bush says.  How can I best serve my country?"

The ghost of Jefferson said, "Respect and follow the constitution.  It is one of the greatest, most noble expression of the art of governance, a masterpiece of the age of reason.  Follow the constitution."

Bush replies, "No can do, Slave F####r.  A little late for that advice.  That goddamned piece of paper just gets in the way.  If I followed the constitution, I'd have to dismantle the survaillance program, respect privacy and the rights of criminals.  Not gonna work.  Any other ideas?"

Jefferson's ghost disappeared.

The next night, Bush was confronted by the ghost of James Madison.  "Hey, Short stuff.  Washington told me to be honest; Jefferson told me to follow the constitution.  Won't work.  Tell me, how can I best serve my country?"

Madison's ghost replied, "I was one of the most astute minds ever to hold the office.  The whole constitution bore my stamp and imprint.  I applied my intellect to the problems of governance.  You should do the same."

"Yeah, right," Bush said.  "I guess you dead guys don't follow the news much.  I'm far from the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Next!"

Madison's ghost disappeared.

The next night, Bush was visited by the ghost of Abe Lincoln.  The first Republican president!  At least, I think so.  I recall my dad telling me that, but I was kinda drunk at the time.  Surely, Bush thought, this is the man to help.

"The ghost of George Washington told me to be honest, but that would sink my political career.  Jefferson told me to follow the constitution, but it's too late for that.  Madison told me to use my intellect, but I don't have one.  Tell me, Abe, what can I do to best serve my country?"

The ghost of Abe Lincoln replied, "Go to a play."

[pugetopolis]

quote author=whiskeypriest link=topic=70.msg11868#msg11868 date=1181330441]

The ghost of Abe Lincoln replied, "Go to a play."[/quote]

The next night the ghost of "Tricky Dick" Nixon shows up.

"Fuck the play," Nixon says. "Just do what I did. Get it out and play with it a little bit. Tricky dicks rule!!!"

[barton]

Puget, we need to keep you away from all the St. Peter jokes.

However, in that vein, I challenge anyone here to think of the most phallic name of a famous personage.  My offering:

Peter O'Toole

 

[pugetopolis]

Tiny Tim. 

[kitinkaboodle]

Let's see:

Moby Dick  (A whale of a...)
 
or

Clever Dick's  (Great Edinburgh restaurant)

or

Balzac

[whiskeypriest]

There is a former baseball player - I think he's a pitching coach now - named Dick Pole.

And the ever popular former race car driver, Dick Trickle.

[Dzimas]

You guys probably heard this whiskey joke before, but here it goes anyway,

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a 12-year old scotch.  The bartender figures the guy couldn't tell the difference and pours an 8-year scotch.  The guy spits it out and says he wants a 12-year old scotch.  The bartender still isn't impressed so pours him a 10-year old whiskey.  The guy spits it out again and says, damnit give me a 12-year old scotch!  The bartender shrugs his shoulders and gives the man what he asked for.  Another guy sitting at the end of a bar, slides the whiskey-drinker a glass and says, taste this!  the whiskey drinker, spits it out indignantly, and says this tastes like piss!  Yea, now tell me how old I am?

[barton]

Nice variation on my bar/piss joke on the previous page. 



 

[Dzimas]

It's an old joke.  I think my father told it to me.

[MrUtley3]

Besides jokes, I've always enjoyed a well-turned line.

Like what Oscar Levant said of Doris Day, " I knew her before she was a virgin."

Or Lenny Bruce: "Liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."

Or "'My country right or wrong', is like saying, 'My mother drunk or sober.'"---G.K. Chesterton

Or the wag who said, "If Geraldo Rivera is the first journalist in space, NASA can test the effect of weightlessness on weightlessness."

[barton]

One-liners can be classic -- I've got a few Oscar Wilde lines, some George Carlin, some Dorothy Parker, some Bierce definitions, knocking around in my head. 

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."  -- Carlin

[barton]

Or,

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

 

[MrUtley3]

A drunk walks up to a parking meter, puts a dime in and says, "Gee, I lost a 100 pounds!"