Comedy

[MrUtley]

What?! Is this a Comedy Forum or a wake?!!

[chauncey.g]

Guy walks into the office of a famous theatrical agent.

"Got me a talking dog, see? What do you find on top of a house?"

"Woof!"

"See, he said roof. What's another name for deep tissue massage?"

"Woof!"

"See, he said rolf. Who's the greatest ball player ever lived?"

"Woof!"

"See, he said Ruth."

Agent throws 'em both out.

The dog says, "Maybe I shoulda said Dimaggio?"

[whiskeypriest]

So I guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing a duck....

[kam]

The Duck says, "maybe I shoulda called him a shrink?"

[whiskeypriest]

Time to take accordian lessons.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.  The psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?"  And the duck says, "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

- Benjy Stone

[barton]

GROAN!!!!!

Two maggots were conversing as they dined on Hemingway in his grave.

"I'm moving to Duluth," said one.

"You've gotta be kidding," said the other.

"No, I'm in dead earnest."

[whiskeypriest]

So a man is visiting a cemetary in Vienna, and while wandering past an unmarked grace, hears a strange sound.  He approaches the grave and, while standing atop it, he recognizes that what he hears is music.  He can hardly believe his ears.  So he steps away from the grave, and the music sound diminishes.  The sound increases as he steps back on the grave – the music is definitely coming from the grave.

Excited, he hurries to find his best friend, a noted Viennese musician.  Despite the musician’s skepticism, he agrees to go to the grave.  The two men go to the grave, and the musician hears the music as well,  He steps on and off the grave, a look of wonder in his face.  He leans close to the ground.  “It’s… familiar….  Wait… it’s Eine Kliene Nachtmusik, but backwards!  This must be the lost grave of Motzart!” 

“That’s amazing!” the first man says.  “But why is the music backwards?

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“He must be decomposing.”

[whiskeypriest]

My wife’s two favorite jokes from growing up in Communist Poland.

A man saves up all of his money for years and finally has enough to buy a car.  He takes the money to the dealer.  The dealer takes the man’s money and consults a list.  “You’ll be getting a Polske Fiat.”

“I was hoping for a Renault,” the man says, “but at least it’s a car.  Is it blue?  I’d really like blue.”

“Sorry,” the dealer says.  “Grey.”

“Oh well,” the man says.  “Will it have an automatic transmission?”

The dealer looks at his list again.  “Sorry.  Stick  shift.”

“Well, I can learn.”  The man says.

“One thing,” the dealer adds, “we’re a little back logged so there will be a delay before delivery.”

“How long?” the man asks.

“Ten years.”

“Ten years!?!?!  What day will it be delivered?”

The dealer consults his sheet.  “April 14.”

“What time?”

The dealer consults the sheet again.  “10:30 a.m.”  The dealer looks up, and notices that the man is crestfallen.  “Is there a problem?”

“Yes.” The man says.  “That’s when the plumber is coming.”
 

Edward Geirik (probably misspelled), the prime minister of Poland, visits a construction site for a housing project he had made a big public display of.  He had promised that the project would be done in a matter of months, and was at the site to see how the project was coming.  He first comes across a man who is laying bricks.  The man is laying bricks in a very fast but haphazard question.  He asks the man what he is doing, and the man replies, “Leave me alone!  We have to get this project done fast and I’m so busy I don’t even have time to lay the bricks straight.”

Geirik moves on to another man, who is pouring concrete.  He notices that the man is just pouring water into the concrete mix and dumping it into a hole with only a little mixing.  He asks the man what he is doing, and the man replies, “Leave me alone!  We have to get this project done fast and I’m so busy I don’t even have time to mix the concrete properly.”

Geirik then sees a man running across the work site with an empty wheelbarrow.  A few seconds later, the same man runs the other way across the site with an empty wheelbarrow.  When the man starts a third trip with the empty wheel barrow Geirik stops him.  He asks the man what he is doing, and the man replies, “Leave me alone!  We have to get this project done fast and I’m so busy I don’t even have time to load my wheel barrow.”

[kitinkaboodle]

What do women do while waiting for their ideal man?















They get married.

[kitinkaboodle]

Two blondes stop roadside.  One asks the other "Are the flashers working?"


Not sure the other replies:


"Off?"


"On?"


"Off?"


"On?"

[jbottle]

I would tell the one about the monkey and the guy that walk into the bar but it takes too long.

[TrojanHorse]

One-liners can be classic -- I've got a few Oscar Wilde lines, some George Carlin, some Dorothy Parker, some Bierce definitions, knocking around in my head. 

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."  -- Carlin

My favorite old Carlin line was "I got fired from my job at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas for saying "shit."  In a town where the big game is called "Crap."

[TrojanHorse]

I liked your communist jokes WP.  The first step is to get them laughing about it eh???

[TrojanHorse]

I think though...the winner so far is the A and B of the replacement for Quasimodo...

It was late when I read them, but I laughed my butt off...

[TrojanHorse]

I had posted this under soccer repenting that I used to call soccer the most boring sport on earth...but now that my five year old plays soccer, I have to reform, so I offered up this one...

one writer called yacht racing the most boring spectator sport on earth.  He said "the only reason the yachts even appear to move at all is due to the phenomenon of continental drift."

It might be more funny if you're a sailor...