Comedy

[kam]

What did the pew say to the priest?

You're preaching to the chair.

[kam]

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize" -Steven Wright

[pugetopolis]

[barton]

Palindromes that are also funny --

Go hang a salami -- I'm a lasagna hog!

Swap God for a jar of dog paws?

Nair -- a fat Saratoga mama got a Rastafarian.  (home made) (you have to be old enough to remember the depilatory product called "Nair")

[madupont]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/tigers-mistresses-march-o_b_382070.html

[kam]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

       Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

       Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

       Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

       Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

       Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

       Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

       Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

       Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

       Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

       Johnny is even madder than before.

       Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

       Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

       Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

       Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

       When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
        "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

       The teacher turns around: "WHO SAID THAT?"

       Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO HOME NOW?"

[kam]

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -Douglas Adams

[kam]

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're singing somebody's cast." -Demetri Martin

[kam]

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." -Emo Philips

[kam]

“I love being a comedian. Because I’ve had other jobs. I used to work in a hospital. You know what’s most annoying about working in a hospital? You can’t call in sick. You call in sick, they’re like, ‘Oh, come on in, we’ll fix ya up.’ You’re like, ‘That’s ok, I don’t feel that bad.’ And they’re like, ‘Great, then come on in.’” -Arj Barker

[madupont]

    http://www.salon.com/ent/comics/tom_the_dancing_bug/2010/01/06/tom_the_dancing_bug/index.html?source=newsletter

I'll give you what your husbands don't ... for a price!
By Ruben Bolling

[whiskeypriest]

Best Headline of the Decade so far:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/14/whats-the-worst-way-to-pr_n_423330.html

[barton]

Hee!  I've traveled down there and that is generally how they pronounce the state, too.  I recall taking a road trip with a friend there in the late 70s and we stopped to get an oil change and then had fun mimicking the local pronunciation of "Pennzoil" -- as in, "are you okay with pinzole in there?"

[MrUtley]

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

[kam]

Arrrgh!!!! It's so frustrating to me that every single time I see her, I still miss my ex-girlfriend. Well from now on, I swear, i'm going to start using bigger rocks.