Comedy

[jbottle]

Monkey and a guy walk into the bar, bartender says "You and your monkey get the fuck out of here...we do not serve monkeys..."

Guy says:  "Naw, not this monkey, he's aright...," and the monkey seems allright and gets along okay.

So Guy orders a beer and monkey orders a beer no problem.

So far so good.

"I think we'll have another beer," the Guy says and the bartender says "OK, you and the monkey have been doing ok so far, so..."

Bartender gives the monkey a beer and the guy a beer...

...and all of a sudden, the monkey goes crazy and runs up and down the bar and jumps up on the pool table and throws balls at everybody and then grabs the cue ball and tosses it up into the air and back into his mouth and swallows it and the Guy and the Monkey run off...

...a few weeks go by...

...no monkey, no guy...

Sure enough, after about three weeks, Guy and the monkey show up and the bartender says "Get that monkey the hell out of here, we saw what he did with the pool ball the last time..."

"Naw, he's fine," the Guy says and the Bartender says oh, okay, no problem, then, I guess we'll serve him...

Everything goes along fine for a while, no problem with the monkey or the Guy...and then then the monkey grabs a peanut out of the bowl and sticks it in his ass and then eats it...people take notice...sure enough, he grabs another peanut and sticks it in his ass and then eats it which grabs the attention of the bartender..."

Bartender:  "Ya'll haven't caused no problems, but tell me this, why does your monkey keep putting the peanuts in his ass before he eats them..."

Guy:  "Well, ever since that POOL BALL INCIDENT he won't put anything in his mouth that won't FIT THROUGH HIS ASS..."

[jbottle]

Sorry:  I just like the "Monkey and this guy walk into the bar..."

My other favourite joke is homophobic, I guess.

It goes like this:

Guy and an alligator walk into a bar and the bartender says "get that alligator the hell out of here!!!"

And the man says "no, this is no ordinary alligator, he's entirely domesticated."

"Nope.  We don't serve alligators..."

"But this alligator is trained...let me demonstrate..." at which point the man takes out a long stick and taps the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opens up his mouth and the man puts his hand in...and no biting nothing..."

"Huh," says the bartender, "That's a good trick, but we don't serve alligators..."

"Let me demonstrate," said the man, and he tapped the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opened his mouth and the man put his head in...and said "See, this alligator is completely well-trained and a suitable patron..."

"He seems alright but we don't serve reptiles," said the bartender...

"Let me be very clear about this alligator, he will not harm anyone," at which point the man zips down his pants, taps the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opens his jaws and the man puts his pecker in the alligator's open jowls..."

"Well, that's that's pretty good," says the bartender, "...but you're the trainer, how do we know he won't bite any other person???

"That's easy," says the man, his pecker still out, "...does anybody else want to try???

[Man in corner of bar, feyly] "Yeah, if you promise not to hit me with that stick...

Note:  Apologies, I have a memory for only the dumbest jokes ever.

[jbottle]

Guy and, oh, nevermind...

[tjaxon]

"Mommy, how do lions make love?"

"I don't know dear, your daddy's friends are all Rotarians."

[TrojanHorse]

Statistics show that someone has a prune in this country every 20 seconds...


I don't know who this someone is...





But I'm pretty sure I know where to look for him!

[elportenito]

This more than a joke is something that realy happened some years ago in Argentina;

The son tells his father: dad, I'm not drinking any more, the fathers gladly thanks the son for his wise desition, to which the son answers: but I'm not drinking any less either.
                                                             

[barton]

Good one!  However, the fact that it may have really happened doesn't not invalidate it as a joke.

Like the Churchill rejoinder to the dowager who says "Sir, you are DRUNK!"

[whiskeypriest]

So George Bush is presiding over a meeting of a national security meeting in which the main subject is, of course, Iraq.  After stoically receiving reams of bad news, Bush is about to wrap up the meeting when an aide comes in and whispers in Defense Secretary Gates's ear.  Gates nods, and turns to the president.  "Mr. President," he says, "I have just received some bad news.  Two Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq this morning."

Bush's face drains of all of what passes for color.  "Oh my God!"  he screams, and begins to weep.  He buries his face in his hands and sobs.  The rest of the group exchange looks, touched that the deaths of two Brazillian soldiers would cause such a reaction in the stoic Bush.

Finally, Bush takes his head out of his hands, and with red-brimmed eyes, asks, "How many is a brazillian?"

[barton]

This isn't a joke, but maybe a frivolous question that belongs here as much as anywhere...

Why do people say, "like shooting fish in a barrel" ?  Why would there be fish in a barrel?  Wouldn't shooting into it punch a hole in it and make the water leak out?  Why not, "like shooting fish in a small pond" or "tidal pool" or the like?  Whenever I picture the barrel scenario, it conjures this bizarre rural ritual of catching fish and then putting them INTO a barrel and then....shooting them.  Why?  You've already caught them -- it's a simple matter to pith them, clean them, and eat them.

[chauncey.g]

"Is Bismarck a hewwing?" Lili Von Shtupp

My sources inform me that the phrase originated in Germany when Otto Von Bismarck, in a drunken state, dropped his basket of freshly caught herring into a pickle barrel.

[TrojanHorse]

"Is Bismarck a hewwing?" Lili Von Shtupp

My sources inform me that the phrase originated in Germany when Otto Von Bismarck, in a drunken state, dropped his basket of freshly caught herring into a pickle barrel.

Was it a basket of Red Herring, by any chance?

[chauncey.g]

don't much matter when one finds himself in a pickle.

[chauncey.g]

Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, "When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

Jacques said: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Fouche commented: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people's lives." .

Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, "Look, he's movin!"

[whiskeypriest]

Reminds me of Woody Allen's quip about what he wanted people to say about him 100 years from now:  "He sure looks good for his age."

[whiskeypriest]

barton -

You know the phrase, "pearls before swine?"  The point being, someone does not recognize the value of something, just as a pig does not recognize the value of pearls and sees only small round stones.  But did it ever occur to you that the pig is right?  Pearls really have no value; they ARE just round white stones.  The problem is that WE value them when there is no intrinsic reason for doing so.

And "It's better to light one candle than curse the darkness."  What's up with that?  When did they become mutually exclusive alternatives?  Screw either/or.  It's better to light one candle AND curse the darkness.  There is a therapeutic value to darkness cursing that people seem to neglect.