Escape from Elba
Exiles of the New York Times
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Author Topic: Comedy  (Read 8261 times)
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barton
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« Reply #225 on: February 19, 2008, 06:47:56 PM »

(chuckle)

I believe in the power of telekinesis only as it applies to my own body.  And, even then, there are moments like getting out of bed where I'm not sure my mind can influence even my own matter.

Some team at Princeton tried to get a stadium full of people to influence some kind of electronic display to do a certain thing -- I don't think much happened, but still, an interesting way to test the hypothesis that people have some tiny effect and see if numbers could somehow multiply it.



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"History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes."
MrUtley3
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« Reply #226 on: February 23, 2008, 04:22:55 PM »

I just flew in from Chicago, and boy are my arms tired.

I just came back to New Jersey from Kansas, and all I can is that there's no place like home.

My wife likes to have phone sex. The other day she called me up while she was having sex.

 
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MrUtley3
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« Reply #227 on: February 23, 2008, 04:25:07 PM »

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
 
 
 I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
 

 
 I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
 
 
 I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
 
 
 I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
 
 
 I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
 
 
 I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
 
 
 I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.


----Rodney Dangerfield
 
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barton
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« Reply #228 on: February 23, 2008, 05:20:37 PM »

Our apartment was so tiny, you had to go outside to change your mind.

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Urethra_Franklin
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« Reply #229 on: February 25, 2008, 05:24:48 PM »

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of bourbon, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
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madupont
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« Reply #230 on: February 26, 2008, 05:00:37 AM »

Our apartment was so tiny, you had to go outside to change your mind.




Speaking of newly-wed apartments, my sister forwarded this today as passed to her, so see if you can picture this:  Rules of Showering - Female vs Male


How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg -lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on

bath mat.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.


Have a great day! And, 'woo woo'!!

[Remember this was passed e-mail while at work from one female to another who passed it on as e-mail to me.   It was so boring  up front that I took it as literal]   Gee, I hope my sister knows that the nuns at the hospital read the computers in the clinic.
 






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MrUtley3
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« Reply #231 on: February 26, 2008, 01:06:06 PM »

Mysoginist.
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madupont
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« Reply #232 on: February 26, 2008, 02:22:43 PM »

Geez, you still don't know how to spell, Yutley!  It was a joke by women; I'm just keeping you informed that your take is funny: to append your retort to that story.
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MrUtley3
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« Reply #233 on: February 26, 2008, 06:31:43 PM »

Geez, you still don't know how to spell, Yutley!  It was a joke by women; I'm just keeping you informed that your take is funny: to append your retort to that story.

m'I DixLescyc.
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madupont
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« Reply #234 on: February 27, 2008, 02:48:10 PM »

Okay, Mr.Utley, this will really frost you. My sister's response to your refusal to explain the difference between the sexes:


THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD?

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!?
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.?


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.?? ?

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.


You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,?or duck when the shit hits the fan.?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.?

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.


Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.?


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.?


You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.?

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........?

Well, Shit Happens!!!



                                    Personally, I think this send-along sounds like it was the stand-up for tv that George Carlin did. Wouldn't you say?



 

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Kam
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« Reply #235 on: February 27, 2008, 03:29:36 PM »

I've been saying "shit-bird" a lot lately.
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MrUtley3
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« Reply #236 on: February 27, 2008, 03:33:08 PM »

Prepare for St. Patrick's Day, everyone:

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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Kam
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« Reply #237 on: February 27, 2008, 03:50:02 PM »

A guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey. He drinks all three. He does day after day after day, and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you."

The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. I have two brothers over in Ireland, and I love them. This glass right here is for Finnian and this one here is for Fergus, and this one is for me. This way I can feel like we here together having a drink."

He comes in day after day after day, the bartender sets up three glasses.

And then one day, the guy says, "Give me two shots today."

"What happened? Did something happen to one of your brothers?" the bartender asked.

The guy says, "Oh, no! They're okay. It's just that I quit drinking."

So nice, we tell it twice.
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MrUtley3
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« Reply #238 on: February 27, 2008, 04:08:55 PM »

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
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Does anyone know where the love of God goes
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obertray
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« Reply #239 on: February 27, 2008, 04:25:42 PM »

That shitty shit joke was the shit!
 Next somebody (apparently it's going to be me) will be telling us that the most versatile word in the English language is Fuck  which can be a noun, as in "I don't give a flying fuck."
or a verb as in "Yeah? Well fuck you with a broomstick!" (that is Carlin BTW) and adjective as in.... ah fuck it, here, you listen to it (it plays by itself so be thee careful) http://www.turoks.net/Bordello/TheWordFuck.htm
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