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Author Topic: Comedy  (Read 6734 times)
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barton
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« Reply #390 on: June 09, 2008, 09:46:16 AM »

What's gray and usually comes in quarts?







......


......an elephant!
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Detective_Winslow
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« Reply #391 on: June 10, 2008, 06:39:23 AM »

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!










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MrUtley3
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« Reply #392 on: June 10, 2008, 02:22:09 PM »

 A drunk walks up to a parking meter, puts a dime in and says, "Gee, I lost 100 pounds!"
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"That guy over there played with Ty Cobb," said Phillies bench coach Jimy Williams, pointing to Chase Utley. "He's been here before."  quoted in the Boston Globe
Detective_Winslow
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« Reply #393 on: June 16, 2008, 05:46:23 AM »

A drunk walks up to a parking meter, puts a dime in and says, "Gee! I lost 100 pounds!"

Already tried that one a while back, you senile jackass
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pugetopolis
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« Reply #394 on: June 16, 2008, 06:21:46 AM »



Kansas Flooding
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barton
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« Reply #395 on: June 16, 2008, 09:53:21 AM »

That makes me want to help all the flood victims, more than ever.
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MrUtley3
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« Reply #396 on: June 16, 2008, 02:56:04 PM »

Dumb Kansas Laws

Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

Dodge City

It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.
All places of business must provide a horse water troft

Lawrence

All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.
No one may wear a bee in their hat.
 
Russell
Musical car horns are banned

Salina
It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
Topeka
The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.

Wichita
Before proceeding through the interesection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehice and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.
Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas.
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"That guy over there played with Ty Cobb," said Phillies bench coach Jimy Williams, pointing to Chase Utley. "He's been here before."  quoted in the Boston Globe
MrUtley3
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« Reply #397 on: June 16, 2008, 03:26:45 PM »

Q: What's the difference between a Kansas fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: What does the average Kansas University student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q. What did the Kansas graduate say to the Kansas State graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: Did you hear about the fire in Kansas University's library that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Kansas University library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.




Q: How many Kansas fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.


A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Kansas joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Kansas grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Kansas grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Kansas grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."


Q: Did you hear about the Kansas University fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.


Q: Why do Kansas University fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.


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"That guy over there played with Ty Cobb," said Phillies bench coach Jimy Williams, pointing to Chase Utley. "He's been here before."  quoted in the Boston Globe
MrUtley3
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« Reply #398 on: June 16, 2008, 03:27:54 PM »

But if you're really looking for a good laugh, spend some time reading this collection on the Kansas hearings on Evolution:

http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/kansas/kangaroo.html
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"That guy over there played with Ty Cobb," said Phillies bench coach Jimy Williams, pointing to Chase Utley. "He's been here before."  quoted in the Boston Globe
barton
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« Reply #399 on: June 17, 2008, 09:41:13 AM »

Utley,

I'm curious about your choice of Kansas for your generic stupid-people jokes.  The state has one of the highest literacy rates, and average SAT scores, in the nation.  KU ranks fairly high, academically, among midwest schools.

These sorts of jokes usually single out Mississippi or Arkansas, so I'm curious about the geographic shift you offer.

 
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MrUtley3
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« Reply #400 on: June 17, 2008, 02:00:45 PM »

Utley,

I'm curious about your choice of Kansas for your generic stupid-people jokes.  The state has one of the highest literacy rates, and average SAT scores, in the nation.  KU ranks fairly high, academically, among midwest schools.

These sorts of jokes usually single out Mississippi or Arkansas, so I'm curious about the geographic shift you offer.

 

Just thinking of a certain Kansan, that's all.
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"That guy over there played with Ty Cobb," said Phillies bench coach Jimy Williams, pointing to Chase Utley. "He's been here before."  quoted in the Boston Globe
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« Reply #401 on: June 22, 2008, 04:15:01 PM »

Apologies if this has appeared here already

A man is walking by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of her screaming parents.
 
The man runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
 
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the man says: "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
 
'Why, it was nothing," the hero replied; "really, the lion was behind bars, and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt was right."
 
"I noticed a bible in your pocket," said the journalist.
 
Yes, I'm a Christian and was on my way to a bible study," the man replies.
 
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page."
 
The journalist leaves. The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions; he reads the front page headlines, "Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."
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madupont
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« Reply #402 on: June 22, 2008, 11:24:49 PM »

Kudos! nytempsperdu
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Dzimas
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« Reply #403 on: June 23, 2008, 02:28:30 AM »



He will be missed.
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Dzimas
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« Reply #404 on: June 23, 2008, 02:29:50 AM »



Kansas Flooding

Kind of makes flooding fun.
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