Escape from Elba

Arts and Television => Comedy => Topic started by: liquidsilver on July 30, 2018, 11:59:56 AM

Title: Comedy
Post by: liquidsilver on July 30, 2018, 11:59:56 AM
Hear a funny joke? Tell it here.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: FlyingVProd on July 30, 2018, 05:30:44 PM
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?






A head banger. 

Salute,

Tony V.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Bart on July 31, 2018, 09:37:23 AM
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: bodiddley on August 02, 2018, 11:33:09 AM
I hope I can die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: bodiddley on August 02, 2018, 11:34:07 AM
I was raised an only child . . .
which really irritated my sister.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Bart on August 05, 2018, 11:51:27 AM
Two guys walk into a bar.   A third guy says,  "wow,  that must have hurt! "

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Bart on August 28, 2018, 01:29:30 PM
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/27/arts/television/louis-ck-performs-comedy.html

I admire his balls....so long as he doesn't show them to me.

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: kiidcarter8 on September 12, 2018, 10:42:57 PM
https://ricochet.com/552381/norm-macdonald-metoo-and-the-fatal-flaw-in-the-new-morality/ (https://ricochet.com/552381/norm-macdonald-metoo-and-the-fatal-flaw-in-the-new-morality/)
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: MrUtley3 on September 13, 2018, 05:33:31 PM
I tried to go into banking, but I lost interest.

Next it was accounting, but somehow things just didn't add up.

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Bart on September 18, 2018, 07:59:29 PM
Heard the story about the burglar who is inside a pitch-dark house ?

He suddenly hears a thin screeechy voice say “Jesus is watching you !”

Very startled, he turns on a light, and sees a parrot in a cage glareing balefully at him - “Jesus is watching You !” it squawks once more.

“WTF !” swears the burglar, “Who are you ?”

“Jonah” replies the parrot.

“What kind of idiot would call a parrot Jonah ?” mutters the burglar.

“The same kind of idiot who calls their Rottweiler Jesus” replies the parrot.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: bodiddley on September 19, 2018, 02:29:35 AM
I think it works better if the Who are you? and Jonah response come before he turns on the light ...