Escape from Elba

Arts and Television => Comedy => Topic started by: liquidsilver on July 30, 2018, 11:59:56 AM

Title: Comedy
Post by: liquidsilver on July 30, 2018, 11:59:56 AM
Hear a funny joke? Tell it here.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: FlyingVProd on July 30, 2018, 05:30:44 PM
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?






A head banger. 

Salute,

Tony V.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Barton on July 31, 2018, 09:37:23 AM
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: bodiddley on August 02, 2018, 11:33:09 AM
I hope I can die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: bodiddley on August 02, 2018, 11:34:07 AM
I was raised an only child . . .
which really irritated my sister.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Barton on August 05, 2018, 11:51:27 AM
Two guys walk into a bar.   A third guy says,  "wow,  that must have hurt! "

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Barton on August 28, 2018, 01:29:30 PM
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/27/arts/television/louis-ck-performs-comedy.html

I admire his balls....so long as he doesn't show them to me.

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: kiidcarter8 on September 12, 2018, 10:42:57 PM
https://ricochet.com/552381/norm-macdonald-metoo-and-the-fatal-flaw-in-the-new-morality/ (https://ricochet.com/552381/norm-macdonald-metoo-and-the-fatal-flaw-in-the-new-morality/)
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: MrUtley3 on September 13, 2018, 05:33:31 PM
I tried to go into banking, but I lost interest.

Next it was accounting, but somehow things just didn't add up.

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Barton on September 18, 2018, 07:59:29 PM
Heard the story about the burglar who is inside a pitch-dark house ?

He suddenly hears a thin screeechy voice say “Jesus is watching you !”

Very startled, he turns on a light, and sees a parrot in a cage glareing balefully at him - “Jesus is watching You !” it squawks once more.

“WTF !” swears the burglar, “Who are you ?”

“Jonah” replies the parrot.

“What kind of idiot would call a parrot Jonah ?” mutters the burglar.

“The same kind of idiot who calls their Rottweiler Jesus” replies the parrot.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: bodiddley on September 19, 2018, 02:29:35 AM
I think it works better if the Who are you? and Jonah response come before he turns on the light ...
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Itz ME! on September 26, 2018, 10:00:36 PM
That's not a true story!

Know how I can tell? Because the Parrot didn't say, "Rrrrawk squeekert!"
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Itz ME! on October 02, 2018, 08:25:14 PM
Tough room...

Anyway, this one isn't fleshed out, but

I have an idea for a college particularly designed for the millennial student with the millennial mindset. Y U, And leave out the Owe (because it's cash up front! And daddy/mommy is filthy rich.)

Y U. Why you? Why does everything bad always happen to you? This is a school dedicated to finding out who you are and then preparing you for that future. YOUR Future, your futures! Because in 10 years, you're going to come back for our advanced degree that re-examines everything and finds who you have become. And prepares you to be accelerated towards that future you have matured to understand. Advanced degrees and advanced technologies will help. Y U,  Don't settle for, "Why not You?" Come to the place that is all about that one thing. And what is that one thing? Why, YOU. Of course.

That's a solid business Idea if I ever heard one!

We have perfected the form from Psychology to Psuchology! From understanding, to controlling ourselves and our destinies.

That's YU.

Also, we're very selective, So you are going to have to show us, "Why you?"

YU, You University.

Psuch ology, the study of what makes you Psuch special. 

I think they used to call it "Charm School" and then the less charmless (and yet more charmless at the same time) "Finishing" Like she was a piece of wooden furniture. (we prolly won't use that in the brochure)
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Itz ME! on October 04, 2018, 11:45:03 AM
I can't prove it, but I just know that the visitor who was number 1066 was named Norman!
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Barton on October 06, 2018, 12:04:13 PM
Probably drank too much runny mead. 
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Oilyboyd on October 31, 2018, 01:47:55 PM
https://local.theonion.com/man-exhausted-after-having-to-explain-halloween-costume-1830127291

Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Barton on October 31, 2018, 01:57:54 PM
Doctor doctor! I broke my arm in three places. What should I do?

Stay out of those places!
Title: Rodney Dangerfield
Post by: Kam on November 02, 2018, 11:50:27 AM
I tell ya since i'm a kid women always gave me a hard time. My mother never breast fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.  Are you kiddin? My mother had morning sickness AFTER i was born.
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Barton on November 02, 2018, 07:24:39 PM
Hello,  you've reached the Incontinence Hotline.   Can you hold,  please?
Title: Re: Comedy
Post by: Oilyboyd on November 13, 2018, 01:06:36 PM
Sent to me from friend in Bristol UK....