Escape from Elba
Arts and Television => Comedy => Topic started by: liquidsilver on July 30, 2018, 11:59:56 AM
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Hear a funny joke? Tell it here.
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What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A head banger.
Salute,
Tony V.
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1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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I hope I can die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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I was raised an only child . . .
which really irritated my sister.
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Two guys walk into a bar. A third guy says, "wow, that must have hurt! "
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https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/27/arts/television/louis-ck-performs-comedy.html
I admire his balls....so long as he doesn't show them to me.
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https://ricochet.com/552381/norm-macdonald-metoo-and-the-fatal-flaw-in-the-new-morality/ (https://ricochet.com/552381/norm-macdonald-metoo-and-the-fatal-flaw-in-the-new-morality/)
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I tried to go into banking, but I lost interest.
Next it was accounting, but somehow things just didn't add up.
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Heard the story about the burglar who is inside a pitch-dark house ?
He suddenly hears a thin screeechy voice say “Jesus is watching you !”
Very startled, he turns on a light, and sees a parrot in a cage glareing balefully at him - “Jesus is watching You !” it squawks once more.
“WTF !” swears the burglar, “Who are you ?”
“Jonah” replies the parrot.
“What kind of idiot would call a parrot Jonah ?” mutters the burglar.
“The same kind of idiot who calls their Rottweiler Jesus” replies the parrot.
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I think it works better if the Who are you? and Jonah response come before he turns on the light ...
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That's not a true story!
Know how I can tell? Because the Parrot didn't say, "Rrrrawk squeekert!"
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Tough room...
Anyway, this one isn't fleshed out, but
I have an idea for a college particularly designed for the millennial student with the millennial mindset. Y U, And leave out the Owe (because it's cash up front! And daddy/mommy is filthy rich.)
Y U. Why you? Why does everything bad always happen to you? This is a school dedicated to finding out who you are and then preparing you for that future. YOUR Future, your futures! Because in 10 years, you're going to come back for our advanced degree that re-examines everything and finds who you have become. And prepares you to be accelerated towards that future you have matured to understand. Advanced degrees and advanced technologies will help. Y U, Don't settle for, "Why not You?" Come to the place that is all about that one thing. And what is that one thing? Why, YOU. Of course.
That's a solid business Idea if I ever heard one!
We have perfected the form from Psychology to Psuchology! From understanding, to controlling ourselves and our destinies.
That's YU.
Also, we're very selective, So you are going to have to show us, "Why you?"
YU, You University.
Psuch ology, the study of what makes you Psuch special.
I think they used to call it "Charm School" and then the less charmless (and yet more charmless at the same time) "Finishing" Like she was a piece of wooden furniture. (we prolly won't use that in the brochure)
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I can't prove it, but I just know that the visitor who was number 1066 was named Norman!
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Probably drank too much runny mead.
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https://local.theonion.com/man-exhausted-after-having-to-explain-halloween-costume-1830127291
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Doctor doctor! I broke my arm in three places. What should I do?
Stay out of those places!
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I tell ya since i'm a kid women always gave me a hard time. My mother never breast fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. Are you kiddin? My mother had morning sickness AFTER i was born.
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Hello, you've reached the Incontinence Hotline. Can you hold, please?
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Sent to me from friend in Bristol UK....
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RIP
Bob "Super Dave" Einstein
you were a head of your time
condolences Albert
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A couple went to a therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I help you with”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied. "She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare."
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Pun enters a room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
--
Salute,
Tony V.
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Hey, great thread. A way of spreading happiness.
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Why did Annie Barlett cross the road?
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …………..but I fish on Fridays."
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https://youtu.be/qyAnRxnBRLI
Tinsel is mirrors for snakes...
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Kim Jong-un doesn't understand we already have an unstable peninsula that will take down America ----
---Florida.
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Trumpelstilskin: This guy has the Midas touch in reverse. Whenever he touches gold, it turns into straw!
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar...
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
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A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice: " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
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https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/jul/03/man-offers-to-resign-after-showing-during-livestreamed-video-meeting
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A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
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Redstateward walked into a bar in Dublin, Ohio, sat down and started drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife.
He repeated this several times until finally the bartender asked him, "Why is that after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"
And Red said, "As soon as she starts looking better to me, I'm going home."
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(https://i.redd.it/69m945csac851.jpg)
Small language barrier, or perhaps... mound.
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(https://i.chzbgr.com/full/9584548352/hFEDD95B4/glasses-doctor-said-no-he-said-could-have-stroke-at-any-should-touch-myself-whenever-feel-like-time)
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Hehe!
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A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 & takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
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(https://static.wixstatic.com/media/a2deda_85184be678324d1b8a86927cc28f5b87~mv2.jpeg/v1/fill/w_260,h_260,al_c,lg_1,q_80/1%202021image002.webp)
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have broken ribs.
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(https://i.redd.it/69m945csac851.jpg)
Small language barrier, or perhaps... mound.
I also just noticed: "Sickers" and "Nickers"
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(https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/funny-spelling-mistakes-errors-fails-136-586e4009c3bd2__605.jpg)
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
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BUCHAREST (AP) — At Dracula’s castle in picturesque Transylvania, Romanian doctors are offering a jab in the arm rather than a stake through the heart.
A COVID-19 vaccination center has been set up on the periphery of Romania’s Bran Castle, which is purported to be the inspiration behind Dracula’s home in Bram Stoker’s 19th-century gothic novel “Dracula.”
Every weekend through May “vaccination marathons” will be held just outside the storied 14th-century hilltop castle, where no appointment is needed, in an attempt to encourage people to protect themselves against COVID-19.
“We wanted to show people a different way to get the (vaccine) needle,” Alexandru Priscu, the marketing manager at Bran Castle, told The Associated Press.
Those brave enough to get a Pfizer vaccine shot receive a “vaccination diploma,” which is aptly illustrated with a fanged medical worker brandishing a syringe....
https://apnews.com/article/europe-entertainment-coronavirus-pandemic-arts-and-entertainment-oddities-366088a94bfe6b69f2f9fe6dce662540
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(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/204253107_10222317530061124_8600280769103072339_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=ftr53SYRR7gAX8r6wKX&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=d430b739f8f5cc5ba6da11e79baf5e18&oe=60D4FA4C)
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Q. Why did the Scientist install a knocker on his door?
A. He wanted to win the No-bell prize.
(this is my offering for a Really Dreadful Jokes Contest, if anyone is interested)
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(https://www.scienceforums.net/uploads/monthly_2021_09/image.jpeg.29849e8546654d63c52c375fadb5590f.jpeg)
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RIP Norm MacDonald. Left us way too early, at 61. Great performer and writer of comedy.
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RiP Turd Ferguson.
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Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
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(http://www.dvo.com/newsletter/weekly/2021/2-26-622/images/IMG-2862.jpeg)
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(https://www.scienceforums.net/uploads/monthly_2021_09/image.thumb.png.e595222055bd5544441ee6c08efb0085.png)
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BERLIN (AP)
A man in Germany has discovered the hard way that its best to get a driving license first before trying to use it.
Police in Bergheim, near Cologne, said Tuesday that the 37 year old drove himself to his driving test, parking an Opel Zafira outside the test center in front of an astonished examiner.
They said he told police officers who were called to the scene on Monday that he had only driven because he wanted to make sure to get to the driving test on time.
His test was immediately called off. The man now faces an investigation for driving without a license. Police also opened an investigation of the cars owner.
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Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didnt stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnt know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I have never played before for this homeless man. And as I played, the workers began to weep.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
I never seen anything like that before, and I have been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
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Why is it...when you send something by car it's called a shipment, and when you send it by ship it's called cargo?
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https://imgur.com/gallery/Cd1EWoa (https://imgur.com/gallery/Cd1EWoa)
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https://imgur.com/gallery/Cd1EWoa (https://imgur.com/gallery/Cd1EWoa)
That's awful!
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I got a twofer today.
I received an email that teased a story from their site with the following:
"Super-old Human Remains."
I presumed when I opened it that it would tell me where this person remains, but no!
Instead, I found this headline:
"Modern humans lived in eastern Africa 38,000 years earlier than thought"
It's a wonder they managed to escape the predators!
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Heh! (Always enjoy the word play)
(https://preview.redd.it/7em39jyfyaj51.png?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=dae7767f74c6a8d259642b7d283326cdcb0d2839)
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https://imgur.com/gallery/Cd1EWoa (https://imgur.com/gallery/Cd1EWoa)
That's awful!
After seeing that, I am not feeling too chipper!
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(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/273543365_10100955889825942_4770861650509882861_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=O9ReKTmh8TAAX_WssuU&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=00_AT95R91O4z4EYDHhksdDvQoD1j9jIGxQralsnEOp1rAftA&oe=62078E57)
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Ha! Too clever.
Jesus walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for twelve glasses of water.
(Winks at disciples)
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Are flowers growing outside a courthouse called subpeonies?
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My wife is a choral singer.
Once, when she was asked if she had found Jesus, she replied that, in fact, she had. He was on the shelf, right between Judas Maccabaeus (HWV 63) and Handel's Occasional Oratorio (HWV 62).
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Are flowers growing outside a courthouse called subpeonies?
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Hang in there, it gets funnier in the second minute....
https://youtu.be/NWYVjEMGhvc
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https://avocadoposts.com/john-atkinsons-funny-webtoons-about-science-literature-pop-culture-and-many-other-topics/22
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Son
Daddy, there is a man at the door with a bald head !
Father
Tell him I have already got one !
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Inadvertent humor from Hallmark:
(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/277676575_5193075160807544_7467214821075503601_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=BhxKMkSFd7YAX-Qm_52&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=00_AT8RsV60ArLC54MUOmiItv1njF-wbclLc5w6UzwCWP4MxQ&oe=62508C69)
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Har! And, wow.
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(https://scontent-bos3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/278015142_152497487240661_6907060746458032923_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=4FiXYdOWd6wAX9PSRsT&_nc_ht=scontent-bos3-1.xx&oh=00_AT9WHzj4OFsBG-LbItT0SDURPTx5lRRUHls1hDcbJyvI_A&oe=6254C64A)
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https://archive.ph/ilgsW
For Gilbert Gottfried, no joke was "too soon."
RIP AFLAC duck!
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A woman was arrested for attacking her husband with several of his guitars.
The judge asked, "first offender?"
She replied, "No, first a Gibson, second a Fender."
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, What is your favourite kind of music?
The other says, I am a big metal fan.
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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, What is your favourite kind of music?
The other says, I am a big metal fan.
Wow. You blew me away with that one.
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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, What is your favourite kind of music?
The other says, I am a big metal fan.
Wow. You blew me away with that one.
What goes around comes around.
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Since I'm sitting out the Politics threads for a while, thought I'd share some cartoons.
(https://i0.wp.com/tayledras.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/LaMontagneTitanic.jpeg?w=800&ssl=1)
Oops, guess that's somewhat...political. Ah well.
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Wow. You blew me away with that one.
What goes around comes around.
Glad to see that GENERATE so much humor.
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(https://blessedjamesbell.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/mr-and-mrs-royd.jpg)
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Headling seen in WaPo this morning:
WHO asks people not to attack monkeys over monkeypox
Is it still okay to attack chickens over chickenpox?
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Headling seen in WaPo this morning:
WHO asks people not to attack monkeys over monkeypox
Is it still okay to attack chickens over chickenpox?
Sure. I attack small people over smallpox. Those that do not commit suicide, at least.
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Har!
We lost another one recently, but when I try to remember the name I come up short. It was either R2D2 or an Ewok, or maybe the main guy in "Willow."
No, R2D2 died six years ago. And Willow is still alive. Maybe it was Mini Me, in the Austin Powers films. Fuck, I know I saw an obit this year.
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Malcolm Dixon, in 2020, would be my guess.
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One of the biggest disappointments of my life was when I watched Three Billboards and the character who committed suicide was not Peter Dinklages.
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It was Cousin Itt (the original) on the Addams family. Died Spring 2021. And he was also an Ewok!
Felix Silla was 84, so I am prevented from saying his life was tragically cut short.
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One of the biggest disappointments of my life was when I watched Three Billboards and the character who committed suicide was not Peter Dinklages.
He came so close in The Station Agent, when he passed out on the railroad tracks.
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That is a long time to have to put up with being called a midget when you prefer dwarf and being really sad from people calling you short arse, putting up with shit from black midgets.
Oooh... I just thought of a good movie idea.
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Amusing placard in pro-choice rally
(https://video-images.vice.com/articles/62fbe6f686ffa800934e0bfd/lede/1660676278301-gettyimages-1146337556.jpeg?crop=1xw:0.8448xh;0xw,0.1379xh&resize=442:*)
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There are 10 sorts of people, those that understand binary, and those that do not.
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(https://www.scienceforums.net/uploads/monthly_2022_09/Chucky.thumb.jpg.9a51d96072e54f99e50105f640727d2a.jpg)
Deja vu?
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2XTGteritE
Chevron Ad
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😂
Bullseye!
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Trevor N on Dr. Oz and other current topics
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trevor-noah-mehmet-oz-debate_n_635a382ae4b01c1b94e2931b
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https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/12/17/elon-musk-twitter-overkill/
Alexandra Petei has so precisely and humorously captured my feelings about Musk and other inanity mongers like TFG.
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Orion's belt is a big waist of space.
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Orion's belt at first glance,
Seems to cover a mighty expanse.
But a belt in the sky
Leaves me wondering why
No mention is made of the pants.
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I give that limerick... three stars.
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https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/10/20/pets-allowed
IMHO the funniest article ever to appear in The New Yorker.
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A random memory...
My son went to see one of the last live performances George Carlin gave before he died.
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https://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-have-simulated-what-it-might-be-like-to-plunge-into-uranus
This only happens when an editor consciously chooses to look the other way.
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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer the other day.
I don't know what they were laced with, but I was tripping all day.
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