Escape from Elba

Hear a funny joke?  Tell it here.

Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its balls.

The first man says: "Gee, I wish I could do that."

The second man replies: "Shouldn't you pet him first?"

PERSON 1 (doubled over in pain)
Ouch... I've got a weak back!

PERSON 2
When did you get it?

PERSON 1
Oh, about a week back.

As with any joke i think its all in how its told.  Heres some raw material, its an oldie ... but a goodie.

3 Religious men of different faiths went on a trip to the wild and are captured by the local savages.  As luck would have it, the leader of this unwashed bunch was fluent in English.  As the three men were bound and brought before the chief, they were told they'd be judged and sentenced in short order.  The chief, who was also the local judge, pronounced them all guilty of trespassing.  The men were apologetic, explaining their religious cloth and why they were there. 

"This is not important" The chief spoke after a polite interval.  "You have trespassed on our holy grounds, which is a high crime." 

The men of the cloth looked at each other, one a Christian missionary, one a Jewish Rabbi, the other...a Buddhist monk.  They were men of strong faith and were willing to listen to what this mortal man had to say to them.

"The penalty is Death!"

A collective "GULP" could be audibly perceived.  Seeing his captive audience momentarily rattled, the chief pressed on..

"But as you have not come armed with weapons of any kind, it is clear you are simply unfortunate and not a threat to us... so i will offer you a deal.  You can choose death... OR... you can choose Unga-Bunga."

The wise old Rabbi spoke up and said to his comrades, and for the chief to hear.

"It will be better to continue to live so that i might again one day tend to my flock... I do not know what Unga-Bunga is but i cannot consciously choose a non life-affirming path.  THEREFORE... I choose Unga-Bunga.

At that the tribal chief clapped his hands and made a loud whistling call.  The savages all in unisom made a great howling-yell that could cause your hairs to stand on end and during this tumultuous cacophony they then grabbed the Rabbi and proceeded to rape him in all his orifices until they left him limp and ragged in a naked heap, still breathing but in very poor shape.  At this the tribal chief turned to the horrified Christian Preacher and Buddhist Monk.

After an interval, the Preacher spoke up...

"While the Rabbi looks in quite poor shape he DOES appear to still be alive, and his prior arguments were sound. I'll still be able to tend to my flock and besides, its not as if my church is completely foreign with the concept of what just transpired... I too choose Unga-Bunga"

Well now a repeat of the same but even harder and more graphic.  The preacher is tossed aside as the Rabbi was before him:  Bruised, Battered, but unmistakably still Alive.

The chief then turned to the Buddhist Monk and asked.. "Which will it be for you, let me guess... you want Unga Bunga so you can remain alive to tender to your flock" he chuckled.  At the suggestion, the monk merely smiled and politely, almost inaudibly spoke...

"I do not believe that Death and Life are important distinctions.  We are all one. I am at peace. I do not fear Death.  Go ahead and kill me if you must."

The chief slowly nodded.  "Then it shall be for this brave one...  DEATH!... by UNGA-BUNGA!!! 

I don't know why we need comedy when we have celebreality?

Well, here's one told to me recently by an HR director....

What do you call an African American flying a plane?





















The pilot, you racist.

Oh, and this one was told me years ago by a Teamsters Business Agent:

Q. How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Seven.  You got some sort of fucking problem with that, asshole?

The answer being best said while aggressively jabbing your finger into the hearer's chest.

A condemned inmate wants to leave them laughing.

Patrick Knight is collecting jokes and will pick the funniest one for his last statement before he is set to die June 26 for shooting his neighbors, Walter and Mary Werner, to death almost 16 years ago outside Amarillo.

http://www.officer.com/article/article.jsp?siteSection=1&id=36374

You're in the lead Whiskey

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were out camping.  In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up Watson and says, look up and tell me what you see.

Watson looks up.  "I see the moon and many, many stars."

"Good."  Holmes says.  "Now, tell me what you deduce from the moon and stars."

Watson thinks for a moment.  "Well, I deduce that the weather is fair."

"No.  That is an observation, not a deduction."  Holmes said.  "Try again."

Watson thinks a little longer.  "Well," he finally says, I know that each of those stars are like our sun.  And I know that planets revolve around our sun, so I deduce that there are planets around at least some of those stars."

Holmes remained silent.  Watson continued,  "And, just as there is life on this planet, given the number of stars and the size of the universe, I deduce that there must be intelligent life on at least some of those planets.  That's what I deduce from seeing the moon and stars."

"No, Watson, you idiot."  Holmes broke in.  "Someone has stolen our tent."

A guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey. He drinks all three. He does day after day after day, and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you."

The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. I have two brothers over in Ireland, and I love them. This glass right here is for Finnian and this one here is for Fergus, and this one is for me. This way I can feel like we here together having a drink."

He comes in day after day after day, the bartender sets up three glasses.

And then one day, the guy says, "Give me two shots today."

"What happened? Did something happen to one of your brothers?" the bartender asked.

The guy says, "Oh, no! They're okay. It's just that I quit drinking."

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

The three shots of whisky joke reminds me of this one:

A man in a bar is boasting that he can take one sip of anything served and name the brand. 

"Name this, then," challenges a fellow drinker and sets a shot of amber liquid in front of him.

The man takes a sip, chokes, and spits it onto the floor.  "My god, man, that's PISS you gave me!"

"Yes it is," says his companion, "but WHOSE??"

Do we have a protocol in place here for groaning and such?  I mean, if no one reacts, it's just a list of jokes, which is a fine thing and all, but I'm just asking...

Perdu, your joke certainly has a ring of truth to it.  I'm thinking of developing a third (and more upbeat) act for the joke, involving "saved by the bell," but it's going to need some work.

Another guy walks into a bar, turns to the bartender and says, "GIve me three shots of your best single malt!"

The bartender sets them up and the guy downs them one-two-three---

Bartenders says, "What's your hurry? That's great scotch you got there, you should take time to appreciate it."

The guy says, "You'd hurry to if you got what I got!"

Bartender: "what do you got?"

Guy "Only 50 cents."

 ;D

Guy walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey.  Barkeep pours them out and the guy drinks them down, one right after another.  The barkeep says, "I gotta ask.  Five shots of whiskey.  Is this a special occasion?"

"Well," the man said, "today was my first blow job."

"Hey, fantastic!" the barkeep says.  "Let me pour you another shot, on the house."

"No, that's o.k.," the man said.  "If five shots won't kill the taste, nothing will."

So George Bush is wandering the White House late at night, mulling over his presidency.  It all seemed to be going so badly.  If only there was something I could do to help my country.  As he was thinking these thoughts, he bumped into the ghost of George Washington.  He knew that the ghost's sudden appearance and his thoughts had to be connected, so he asked the ghost, "Tell me, ghost of George Washington, how can I best serve the people of my country.

The ghost of George Washington told him, "I could not tell a lie.  I was resolutely honest.  To best serve your country, go thou and do likewise.  Be honest, do not lie,"

Bush thought about this for a minute.  "But so much of what I've done is based on lies.  The Iraq war, my entire economic policy is based on the agenda of big business and not what's best for the country, and my support from social conservatives will plummet if they know I am just making a front of my religious faith.  Can't do it.  Any other suggestions, First?"

The ghost of George Washington disappeared.

The next night, the same scenario, except he runs into the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.  Jefferson's ghost says, "The ghost of George Washington tells me you had a question he couldn't answer."
 
"Yes," Bush says.  How can I best serve my country?"

The ghost of Jefferson said, "Respect and follow the constitution.  It is one of the greatest, most noble expression of the art of governance, a masterpiece of the age of reason.  Follow the constitution."

Bush replies, "No can do, Slave F####r.  A little late for that advice.  That goddamned piece of paper just gets in the way.  If I followed the constitution, I'd have to dismantle the survaillance program, respect privacy and the rights of criminals.  Not gonna work.  Any other ideas?"

Jefferson's ghost disappeared.

The next night, Bush was confronted by the ghost of James Madison.  "Hey, Short stuff.  Washington told me to be honest; Jefferson told me to follow the constitution.  Won't work.  Tell me, how can I best serve my country?"

Madison's ghost replied, "I was one of the most astute minds ever to hold the office.  The whole constitution bore my stamp and imprint.  I applied my intellect to the problems of governance.  You should do the same."

"Yeah, right," Bush said.  "I guess you dead guys don't follow the news much.  I'm far from the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Next!"

Madison's ghost disappeared.

The next night, Bush was visited by the ghost of Abe Lincoln.  The first Republican president!  At least, I think so.  I recall my dad telling me that, but I was kinda drunk at the time.  Surely, Bush thought, this is the man to help.

"The ghost of George Washington told me to be honest, but that would sink my political career.  Jefferson told me to follow the constitution, but it's too late for that.  Madison told me to use my intellect, but I don't have one.  Tell me, Abe, what can I do to best serve my country?"

The ghost of Abe Lincoln replied, "Go to a play."

Puget, we need to keep you away from all the St. Peter jokes.

However, in that vein, I challenge anyone here to think of the most phallic name of a famous personage.  My offering:

Peter O'Toole

 

Let's see:

Moby Dick  (A whale of a...)
 
or

Clever Dick's  (Great Edinburgh restaurant)

or

Balzac

There is a former baseball player - I think he's a pitching coach now - named Dick Pole.

And the ever popular former race car driver, Dick Trickle.

You guys probably heard this whiskey joke before, but here it goes anyway,

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a 12-year old scotch.  The bartender figures the guy couldn't tell the difference and pours an 8-year scotch.  The guy spits it out and says he wants a 12-year old scotch.  The bartender still isn't impressed so pours him a 10-year old whiskey.  The guy spits it out again and says, damnit give me a 12-year old scotch!  The bartender shrugs his shoulders and gives the man what he asked for.  Another guy sitting at the end of a bar, slides the whiskey-drinker a glass and says, taste this!  the whiskey drinker, spits it out indignantly, and says this tastes like piss!  Yea, now tell me how old I am?

Nice variation on my bar/piss joke on the previous page. 



 

It's an old joke.  I think my father told it to me.

Besides jokes, I've always enjoyed a well-turned line.

Like what Oscar Levant said of Doris Day, " I knew her before she was a virgin."

Or Lenny Bruce: "Liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."

Or "'My country right or wrong', is like saying, 'My mother drunk or sober.'"---G.K. Chesterton

Or the wag who said, "If Geraldo Rivera is the first journalist in space, NASA can test the effect of weightlessness on weightlessness."

One-liners can be classic -- I've got a few Oscar Wilde lines, some George Carlin, some Dorothy Parker, some Bierce definitions, knocking around in my head. 

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."  -- Carlin

Or,

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

 

A drunk walks up to a parking meter, puts a dime in and says, "Gee, I lost a 100 pounds!"

What?! Is this a Comedy Forum or a wake?!!

Guy walks into the office of a famous theatrical agent.

"Got me a talking dog, see? What do you find on top of a house?"

"Woof!"

"See, he said roof. What's another name for deep tissue massage?"

"Woof!"

"See, he said rolf. Who's the greatest ball player ever lived?"

"Woof!"

"See, he said Ruth."

Agent throws 'em both out.

The dog says, "Maybe I shoulda said Dimaggio?"

So I guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing a duck....

The Duck says, "maybe I shoulda called him a shrink?"

Time to take accordian lessons.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.  The psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?"  And the duck says, "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

- Benjy Stone

GROAN!!!!!

Two maggots were conversing as they dined on Hemingway in his grave.

"I'm moving to Duluth," said one.

"You've gotta be kidding," said the other.

"No, I'm in dead earnest."

So a man is visiting a cemetary in Vienna, and while wandering past an unmarked grace, hears a strange sound.  He approaches the grave and, while standing atop it, he recognizes that what he hears is music.  He can hardly believe his ears.  So he steps away from the grave, and the music sound diminishes.  The sound increases as he steps back on the grave – the music is definitely coming from the grave.

Excited, he hurries to find his best friend, a noted Viennese musician.  Despite the musician’s skepticism, he agrees to go to the grave.  The two men go to the grave, and the musician hears the music as well,  He steps on and off the grave, a look of wonder in his face.  He leans close to the ground.  “It’s… familiar….  Wait… it’s Eine Kliene Nachtmusik, but backwards!  This must be the lost grave of Motzart!” 

“That’s amazing!” the first man says.  “But why is the music backwards?

…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…

“He must be decomposing.”

My wife’s two favorite jokes from growing up in Communist Poland.

A man saves up all of his money for years and finally has enough to buy a car.  He takes the money to the dealer.  The dealer takes the man’s money and consults a list.  “You’ll be getting a Polske Fiat.”

“I was hoping for a Renault,” the man says, “but at least it’s a car.  Is it blue?  I’d really like blue.”

“Sorry,” the dealer says.  “Grey.”

“Oh well,” the man says.  “Will it have an automatic transmission?”

The dealer looks at his list again.  “Sorry.  Stick  shift.”

“Well, I can learn.”  The man says.

“One thing,” the dealer adds, “we’re a little back logged so there will be a delay before delivery.”

“How long?” the man asks.

“Ten years.”

“Ten years!?!?!  What day will it be delivered?”

The dealer consults his sheet.  “April 14.”

“What time?”

The dealer consults the sheet again.  “10:30 a.m.”  The dealer looks up, and notices that the man is crestfallen.  “Is there a problem?”

“Yes.” The man says.  “That’s when the plumber is coming.”
 

Edward Geirik (probably misspelled), the prime minister of Poland, visits a construction site for a housing project he had made a big public display of.  He had promised that the project would be done in a matter of months, and was at the site to see how the project was coming.  He first comes across a man who is laying bricks.  The man is laying bricks in a very fast but haphazard question.  He asks the man what he is doing, and the man replies, “Leave me alone!  We have to get this project done fast and I’m so busy I don’t even have time to lay the bricks straight.”

Geirik moves on to another man, who is pouring concrete.  He notices that the man is just pouring water into the concrete mix and dumping it into a hole with only a little mixing.  He asks the man what he is doing, and the man replies, “Leave me alone!  We have to get this project done fast and I’m so busy I don’t even have time to mix the concrete properly.”

Geirik then sees a man running across the work site with an empty wheelbarrow.  A few seconds later, the same man runs the other way across the site with an empty wheelbarrow.  When the man starts a third trip with the empty wheel barrow Geirik stops him.  He asks the man what he is doing, and the man replies, “Leave me alone!  We have to get this project done fast and I’m so busy I don’t even have time to load my wheel barrow.”

What do women do while waiting for their ideal man?















They get married.

Two blondes stop roadside.  One asks the other "Are the flashers working?"


Not sure the other replies:


"Off?"


"On?"


"Off?"


"On?"

I would tell the one about the monkey and the guy that walk into the bar but it takes too long.

My favorite old Carlin line was "I got fired from my job at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas for saying "shit."  In a town where the big game is called "Crap."

I liked your communist jokes WP.  The first step is to get them laughing about it eh???

I think though...the winner so far is the A and B of the replacement for Quasimodo...

It was late when I read them, but I laughed my butt off...

I had posted this under soccer repenting that I used to call soccer the most boring sport on earth...but now that my five year old plays soccer, I have to reform, so I offered up this one...

one writer called yacht racing the most boring spectator sport on earth.  He said "the only reason the yachts even appear to move at all is due to the phenomenon of continental drift."

It might be more funny if you're a sailor...

Monkey and a guy walk into the bar, bartender says "You and your monkey get the fuck out of here...we do not serve monkeys..."

Guy says:  "Naw, not this monkey, he's aright...," and the monkey seems allright and gets along okay.

So Guy orders a beer and monkey orders a beer no problem.

So far so good.

"I think we'll have another beer," the Guy says and the bartender says "OK, you and the monkey have been doing ok so far, so..."

Bartender gives the monkey a beer and the guy a beer...

...and all of a sudden, the monkey goes crazy and runs up and down the bar and jumps up on the pool table and throws balls at everybody and then grabs the cue ball and tosses it up into the air and back into his mouth and swallows it and the Guy and the Monkey run off...

...a few weeks go by...

...no monkey, no guy...

Sure enough, after about three weeks, Guy and the monkey show up and the bartender says "Get that monkey the hell out of here, we saw what he did with the pool ball the last time..."

"Naw, he's fine," the Guy says and the Bartender says oh, okay, no problem, then, I guess we'll serve him...

Everything goes along fine for a while, no problem with the monkey or the Guy...and then then the monkey grabs a peanut out of the bowl and sticks it in his ass and then eats it...people take notice...sure enough, he grabs another peanut and sticks it in his ass and then eats it which grabs the attention of the bartender..."

Bartender:  "Ya'll haven't caused no problems, but tell me this, why does your monkey keep putting the peanuts in his ass before he eats them...???"

Guy:  "Well, ever since that POOL BALL INCIDENT he won't put anything in his mouth that won't FIT THROUGH HIS ASS..."

Sorry:  I just like the "Monkey and this guy walk into the bar..."

My other favourite joke is homophobic, I guess.

It goes like this:

Guy and an alligator walk into a bar and the bartender says "get that alligator the hell out of here!!!"

And the man says "no, this is no ordinary alligator, he's entirely domesticated."

"Nope.  We don't serve alligators..."

"But this alligator is trained...let me demonstrate..." at which point the man takes out a long stick and taps the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opens up his mouth and the man puts his hand in...and no biting nothing..."

"Huh," says the bartender, "That's a good trick, but we don't serve alligators..."

"Let me demonstrate," said the man, and he tapped the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opened his mouth and the man put his head in...and said "See, this alligator is completely well-trained and a suitable patron..."

"He seems alright but we don't serve reptiles," said the bartender...

"Let me be very clear about this alligator, he will not harm anyone," at which point the man zips down his pants, taps the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opens his jaws and the man puts his pecker in the alligator's open jowls..."

"Well, that's that's pretty good," says the bartender, "...but you're the trainer, how do we know he won't bite any other person???

"That's easy," says the man, his pecker still out, "...does anybody else want to try???

[Man in corner of bar, feyly] "Yeah, if you promise not to hit me with that stick...

Note:  Apologies, I have a memory for only the dumbest jokes ever.

Guy and, oh, nevermind...

"Mommy, how do lions make love?"

"I don't know dear, your daddy's friends are all Rotarians."

Statistics show that someone has a prune in this country every 20 seconds...


I don't know who this someone is...





But I'm pretty sure I know where to look for him!

This more than a joke is something that realy happened some years ago in Argentina;

The son tells his father: dad, I'm not drinking any more, the fathers gladly thanks the son for his wise desition, to which the son answers: but I'm not drinking any less either.
                                                             

Good one!  However, the fact that it may have really happened doesn't not invalidate it as a joke.

Like the Churchill rejoinder to the dowager who says "Sir, you are DRUNK!"

So George Bush is presiding over a meeting of a national security meeting in which the main subject is, of course, Iraq.  After stoically receiving reams of bad news, Bush is about to wrap up the meeting when an aide comes in and whispers in Defense Secretary Gates's ear.  Gates nods, and turns to the president.  "Mr. President," he says, "I have just received some bad news.  Two Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq this morning."

Bush's face drains of all of what passes for color.  "Oh my God!"  he screams, and begins to weep.  He buries his face in his hands and sobs.  The rest of the group exchange looks, touched that the deaths of two Brazillian soldiers would cause such a reaction in the stoic Bush.

Finally, Bush takes his head out of his hands, and with red-brimmed eyes, asks, "How many is a brazillian?"

This isn't a joke, but maybe a frivolous question that belongs here as much as anywhere...

Why do people say, "like shooting fish in a barrel" ?  Why would there be fish in a barrel?  Wouldn't shooting into it punch a hole in it and make the water leak out?  Why not, "like shooting fish in a small pond" or "tidal pool" or the like?  Whenever I picture the barrel scenario, it conjures this bizarre rural ritual of catching fish and then putting them INTO a barrel and then....shooting them.  Why?  You've already caught them -- it's a simple matter to pith them, clean them, and eat them.

"Is Bismarck a hewwing?" Lili Von Shtupp

My sources inform me that the phrase originated in Germany when Otto Von Bismarck, in a drunken state, dropped his basket of freshly caught herring into a pickle barrel.

Was it a basket of Red Herring, by any chance?

don't much matter when one finds himself in a pickle.

Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, "When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

Jacques said: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Fouche commented: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people's lives." .

Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, "Look, he's movin!"

Reminds me of Woody Allen's quip about what he wanted people to say about him 100 years from now:  "He sure looks good for his age."

barton -

You know the phrase, "pearls before swine?"  The point being, someone does not recognize the value of something, just as a pig does not recognize the value of pearls and sees only small round stones.  But did it ever occur to you that the pig is right?  Pearls really have no value; they ARE just round white stones.  The problem is that WE value them when there is no intrinsic reason for doing so.

And "It's better to light one candle than curse the darkness."  What's up with that?  When did they become mutually exclusive alternatives?  Screw either/or.  It's better to light one candle AND curse the darkness.  There is a therapeutic value to darkness cursing that people seem to neglect.

...maybe you curse the darkness because you can't find the bloody matches to light the fricken candle?....

I like the phrase ... "the whole nine yards"

People assume its football related but then wouldn't it be ten yards?

Actually i remember hearing its a military term.  Machine gunners on WW2 era fighter planes were often told by the flight crew to give the enemy the whole nine yards (of bullets in the ammunition belt).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Whole_Nine_Yards

keep working on it

I had always heard that nine yards of cement was the full content of a cement mixing truck.  I don't know why Wikipedia would dismiss this explanation, as it provides the one instance of a totality of something actually being nine yards, and I have heard it verified by a contractor.   Though I had to wait three weeks for his verification.

What about the whole kit and kaboodle?  Can you ask for just the kaboodle and, if so, how much would you get?

If there were 14 fish in the barrel, how many would you have to shoot to get a kaboodle of fish?  (This is on the quiz tomorrow)

That would depend on who was asking... ;)

Kit,

I sort of had a feeling you might want to chime in on this topic. 

bart -

Shooting fish in a barrel is idiotic for all the reasons you explicated, therefore you say it's "like shooting fish in a barrel".

How about
"You can just go to hell in a handbasket."  How does the handbasket add to the agonies of going to hell?

I'm guessing that what would have to be done to your body to make it fit in a handbasket would add to the overall discomfort?  If Dorothy's dog, Toto, were sent to hell in a handbasket, it wouldn't really make things any worse because Toto fits easily.

Many people assume God handed the 10 Commandments to Moses and thats all to the story.  Unbeknownst to many, God actually handed the 10 Commandments down to some other guy whose name has been lost to History.  Basically God told him to spread the word that people should live by these simple tenets.

Apparently the story goes that this man first went to Italy, where he tried to market the 10 commandments to the local people living there.  He was speaking to an italian man who asked him, "Give me an example of your 10 commandments so that i may understand the worthiness you ascribe to it"

"Thou shalt not kill" replied the holy man.

"No thanks" Replied the italian.  "Thats not going to fly here.  We have this little thing called the Mafia and they do their business the hard way sometimes"

The holy man gave up on Italy and went to France wherein he had a similar conversation with a Frenchman.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery" said the holy man when pressed for an example of one of the commandments.

The frenchman shook his head no. "That simply will not do, this is France mon ami"

Undaunted, the holy man pressed on into Romania, where he happened upon a Gypsy man.  The Gypsy took great interest until the holy man gave him a sample commandment.

"Thou shalt not steal" said the holy man.

"Come on" said the Gypsy. "Leave this place at once"

Finally, exhausted and nearing the end of his life, the man went to Israel and spoke to a Jew.  He said, "I have written commandments from God for you and your people to live by"

The Israeli man said "How much for a sample"

"Gods word is free of charge" said the holy man, to which the Israeli replied

"Ok, i'll take ten!"

kam, you're an antiitalianite.

I was satisfied with Mel Brooks' version...

"I hold here these 15 commandme...whoaa"  <drops one of three tablets which shatters to bits>

<pause>

"I hold here these 10 commandments"

It's not a "Kit and Kaboodle" it's a Kitten Kaboodle.

A kitten kaboodle is somewhere between a kitten fricasse and a Catman goolash.

Kind of a "you got carrots, onions, bread crumbs and hot oil on my kitten!" "You got kitten on my hot oil etc!"

Mmmmm!

Obertray--

I'll see you in my office...three oc'clock...sharp.

What exactly do we do in your office? Will there be fish? Will there be a barrel? How about a handbasket?

Dang it!

There I was all happy that I was getting called into the office for my very first post and then I remembered the name I had wanted to use the next time I signed up for a forum!

I figured that the world record holder for Godwinning oneself was the guy who wrote an article in the NYT that was then the "topic of discussion" but he had Godwinned himself in the article.

So I wanted to take the crown by using the handle "Uber Alles", that way I would have Godwinned myself before the thread even had a topic!

And now you know for sure that you know who I am.

Let me just tell you all this... If Kitinkaboodle summons you to her office at 3:00 sharp......

GO!

Speaking of Barak Obama, I hear his bumper sticker is very popular in the  land oF G Wallace.

I found this odd until I saw that one was altered:


GO'BAMA '08

Maybe this should go in the "Fitness and Health" thread...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her  eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and  kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a  seat while she  prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was  filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned  with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he could no
longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
wet and that it  would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Ok, a nun joke... Put on your best Irish woman's brogue and see where this one goes....

Two little elderly nuns walk up to the counter and ask for a pint of blackberry brandy. The proprietor looks alarmed by this and so the first sister says "oooh, it's strictly for medicinal purposes" the second whispers conspiratorially "Mother Superior's constipation." Ok fine they get the bottle and they go.

The next day, there they are again "A pint of Blackberry brandy, please.." The look... "oooh it's strictly for medicinal purposes only" "Mother Superior's constipation!" well, okay... they take the bottle and go.

This goes on in the same way for many days after. "Yeah yeah yeah strictly Medicinal purposes, Mother Superior's constipation, I get it. Here!"

One day the proprietor decides to follow the nuns. So after they leave he closes up the store... he heads over to the nunastary and he trails where the sisters went, he find this fairly easy because there are dribbles of blackberry brandy on the ground. he finally comes to a little alcove in the basement and there he see them the two nuns, HAMMERED! and all about them are empty bottles of blackberry brandy.

Furious, he says to the first sister "Medicinal purposes huh?" then to the second "Mother Superior's constipation huh?"

The first says "Oh it tis it tis..."

"She's goint ta shit when she sees us!" says the second.

So the guy shows up home early one day and his wife says "Dear, what are you doing home from the sandwich factory?"

"I got fired today!"

"Fired!? Oh my God? Why."

"Well... for several years now I've had this growing urge to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer! Today i just couldn't hold back on my urges and so I did it."

"OH MY GAWD! What happened to your pecker? Let me see!"

He pulls down his trousers and there is hangs just like before.

The wife gives a quizical look and then asks "Uhh, What happened to the pickle slicer?"


,


,


,


,


,


"She got fired too!"

So Anna, she lives in a small Italian community she moved to with her new husband recently.

As with small Italian communities, there are small Italian old men who plant their gardens every year and they boast about how soon their tomatoes ripen.

Anna's neighbor, Luigi, always has the earliest ripening tomatoes and so one day Anna asks him how she can do it.

(Assume a good Italian accent)

"It'sa very simpa, nexta morning you comea down ina you batharobe, you stand ina front ofa you tomatoes, you open upa da robe, you tomatoes, they blush!"

"That'sa whatayoudo?"

"Si, si I learna disa from my fatha, he'sa learn froma his fatha, so ona back. You trusta me what I'ma tella you!"

So the next morning our lovely, young, naive Anna comes outside in only her bathrobe. She flashes the tomato plants, good and long.

Later, she see's Luigi and she says to him angrily, "Hey! Whasaforyou? I did whata you said and look, my tomatoes, they stilla green!"

Luigi moves his hands apart and says, "Yeah, but looka you cucumbas!"

obertray: ...are you a closet antiitalianite?

You ever heard of an Italian pickle?

What do you call Penne a'la Vodka to go?
















Noodles Roamin off!

A thought to ponder while you are waiting for the next joke to arrive...

Do

 

 

 

           infants

 

 

                            enjoy

                                                               Infancy

 

 

 

          as                                     much                                      as

 

 

 

 

          adults

 

 

 

enjoy

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                     adultry?

I know this is going to sound strange, but at least now we have some answers to our questions!

Why are Republicans so dead set against "Gay Marriage"?

I would say that the evidence now points to "They don't want their boyfriends insisting that they leave their wives and get married!"

Its a lesson learned from years of experience that straight Senators have complained about to them (Hey some of their best friends are straight). "You're so lucky Senator Craig, you don't have these girls expecting you to leave your wife, the wife with the father who has all the money, to marry them! Them! With the father who's slightly right of Attila the Hun, and pours gobs of money into my 'Family Values' bucket!"

If this sort of behavior continues, we may get to take back the word "gay" and give up a word like "Sneaky father fuckers!" And then it will be uncomfortable to say "He's wearing sneakers!" so it'll be just as inconvenient as the use of the word "gay" today.

I've been having a great time this week, rediscovering the Firesign Theatre.

Me too. When I listen to Firesign Theater’s “I Think We’re All Bozos on the Bus” and “Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers—it reminds me of the Opera Forum over in the NYTimes. What a bunch of clowns.

It's been a great pleasure to find how well Bride of Firesign stands up to their "classic" material.

Ah, the best of both worlds, karl.

You can be a hoity-toity snot over there in that crummy NYTimes Opera Forum.

And over here in Elba...you can be elitist too.

Please tell the NYTimes to go straight to hell for me, won't you please?

Carry your own water.

Here's a good one...

What's brown, and sounds like a bell?


















DUNNNG!

(http://www.divasthesite.com/Opera_Divas/images/Lilli_Lehmann.jpg)

How witty, how gay, how...

NYTimes Classical Music Forum

karlhenning - 9:46 AM ET August 30, 2007 (#45632 of 45638)
more relentlessly exact bongos

"I remember, as if it had only been yesterday, the first that a schoolmate in our beginning French class answered a sneeze with the mistaken Blessez vous!"

(http://www.divasthesite.com/Opera_Divas/images/Kirsten_Flagstad.jpg)

Followed by...

NYTimes Classical Music Forum

maestrissimo. - 1:13 PM ET August 30, 2007 (#45633 of 45638)
... despite and still.

«titter»

:-)

(http://www.divasthesite.com/Opera_Divas/images/Magda_Olivero.jpg)

And then, of course, there's the serious Opera Queens:

NYTimes Opera Forum

dementeddavo - 11:00 AM ET August 25, 2007 (#36096 of 36127)
I'm just saying....

"Pitchy?" Is this American Idol?"


kashania - 1:14 PM ET August 25, 2007 (#36098 of 36127)

DD: Yes, "pitchy" and "pageanty". LOL

(http://www.divasthesite.com/Opera_Divas/images/Renata_Tebaldi.jpg)

Of course, my dear karl, I'm just being humorous.

Actually there are some very astute opera queens over there in the NYTimes Opera Forum. For example,

NYTimes Opera Forum

amneris45 - 1:00 PM ET August 23, 2007 (#36089 of 36127)

Rosenkavalier on Sirius

I am now listening on Sirius to a 1983 Met Rosenkavalier with Kiri Te Kanawa as the Marschallin. This was apparently her last Marschallin at the Met.

What a bore! Very pretty singing, but no characterization that I can hear. Compared with Schwarzkopf, Della Casa, Soedersrtom, Crespin, Schwanewilms and others--she just doesn't have it, IMNSHO.

Was she always this dull?

ZZZZZzzzzz....

(http://www.divasthesite.com/Opera_Divas/images/Montserrat_Caballe.jpg)

And last but not least this simply amazingly titillating little tidbid from another Opera Queen.

Perhaps a friend of yours, karl? Such wit and intelligence over there in Opera.

I'm so happy the NYTimes didn't purge your lovely little opera and classical music forums...

NYTimes Opera Forum

andrewbl7 - 9:09 AM ET August 20, 2007 (#36072 of 36127)
Some hum the airs while they are being sung. The funerals of these do not occur often enough. Mark Twain

"This is a little off topic, but I coudn't resist. A woman in Australia has been killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6954728.s [...]

(http://www.divasthesite.com/Opera_Divas/images/Joan_Sutherland.jpg)

Naturally--or perhaps unnaturally--my dear karl, I was very disappointed...

When the link to the scandalous camel-humping story didn't quite work.

Apparently "andrew" didn't copy the link right...she left off the .stm at the end...

Nevertheless, being a truly diligent pulp fiction True Detective private dick...

I came up with the world-shaking opera news item:

Pet camel kills Australian woman

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6954728.stm

A woman in Australia has been killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.
The woman was found dead at the family's sheep and cattle ranch near the town of Mitchell in Queensland.

The woman had been given the camel as a 60th birthday present earlier this year because of her love of exotic pets.

The camel was just 10 months old but already weighed 152kg (336lbs) and had come close to suffocating the family's pet goat on a number of occasions.

On Saturday, the woman apparently became the object of the male camel's desire.

It knocked her to the ground, lay on top of her and displayed what the police delicately described as possible mating behaviour.

"I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," the Associated Press news agency quoted Queensland police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory as saying.

Young camels are not normally aggressive but can become more threatening if treated and raised as pets.

(My dear karl, don't you think this would be a lovely Opera? One could call it "One Hump, Or Two?")

This is the COMEDY thread......



 

Too bad there's not a message board for hermaphrodite's...you'd feel right at home I'm sure.






(http://content.cdlib.org/xtf/data/13030/0q/ft338nb20q/figures/ft338nb20q_00007.jpg)

Dear Private Dick...

Any forum you're on.......is a comedy forum.

Speaking of Opera...

What do you call the fat lady who works at the bank?
























A Four Chin Teller

Walmart Love
From CNN:

ROANOKE, Virginia (AP) -- Wal-Mart has ditched a program that helped single shoppers find love in the discount store's aisles.

Officials at Wal-Mart headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas, ordered their Roanoke store to put an end to Singles Shopping, the only program of its kind at Wal-Mart's U.S. stores.

Taking a cue from Wal-Marts in Germany, the month-old program encouraged customers on Friday evenings to pick up a red bow they could place on their shopping carts as an invitation to other singles. "Flirt points" were set up in various sections of the store.

A Wal-Mart spokesman declined to comment on the reason behind the program's cancellation. But customer Dale Firebaugh, who showed up Friday night hoping to meet his match, said store employees told him several people had complained.

"I'm disappointed," said Firebaugh, 63. "Where can someone over 40 who doesn't smoke or drink or go to bars meet someone?"

A little news flash, darlin'....if you think Walmart's your only hope, meeting the person of your dreams is the least of your worries.

http://jehanne1431.blogspot.com/2005/07/walmart-love.html

One of the funniest lines I've heard, and I think someone on this forum said it:  They've opened a Walmart in my neighborhood.....now I can finally afford some of that plastic lawn furniture.

That said, they're opening a SUPER WALMART about a mile down the road from me next month. 

overheard at the local walmart...

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to .99 a can. That's $7.00 in dog money.

Good one!

Funny...

One of the most poular bumper stickers in So Cal used to be for a regional hamburger chain called In and Out Burger

You almost never saw one that was not "altered" to    In and Out urge


They discontinued the bumperstickers...

Never been south of Santa Cruz, CA on the west coast.  I remember In and Out Burger chiefly from the movie, The Big Lebowski.  That's a great anecdote....and you sort of figure some kind of joke would inevitably arise from an eatery that calls itself In and Out.  Or, as the young hoodlums call doing the nasty in "A Clockwork Orange," -- "the old in and out."

Or Buscemi in "Fargo".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttOfqPjwJnA

Sect leader facing rape trial to use faith as his defence

 Ian Munro Herald Correspondent in New York and agencies


September 11, 2007



THE US is both religious and religiously tolerant, but if the nation's founding fathers could have imagined someone like Warren Jeffs, they may not have been so ready to embrace freedom of worship.

Jeffs, 51, the leader of a polygamous Mormon sect, is about to stand trial for being an accomplice to the rape of a 14-year-old girl. He is reputed to have dozens of wives, some inherited from his father.

The girl was married to her 19-year-old cousin in 2001, and the marriage consummated weeks later, all at Jeffs insistence. She will be the principal witness against Jeffs, who took over formal leadership of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints when his father died in 2002.

As the church's leader, or "prophet", Jeffs claims to be in direct contact with God and therefore determines who can marry whom. The girl reportedly twice told Jeffs she did not want to marry or have sex. He is allleged to have told her it was her spiritual duty and that it was sanctioned by God.

In addition to the girl, two men are expected to give evidence about Jeffs's interference in their sexual relations with their wives, and about his instructions to persist with underage weddings regardless of state law. By Jeffs's reasoning, to oppose him is to oppose the will of God, although divine guidance failed him in August last year. He had been on the run when police stopped him for having an illegible car number plate, and he was arrested.

While the trial is about justice for one woman, it is also likely to excite public interest for its insights into the 12,000-strong community Jeffs leads.

The community, where immodest, short-sleeved shirts and movies are banned, exists in two towns either side of the Utah-Arizona border in remote desert country - Hildale and Colorado City.

Jeffs reportedly has excommunicated more than 100 men, taking their wives and children from them and placing them with other men.

Teenage boys are expelled for going to the movies, or looking at girls with interest. A welfare worker in nearby St George says teenagers are expelled almost weekly and left to fend for themselves in a mainstream society for which they are unprepared. Many end up in trouble with the law.

In the past five years about 2000 teens had been ordered out with no support and forbidden to contact their parents, said Michelle Benward, vice-president of the support group New Frontiers for Families.

"The mothers are living in such fear," Ms Benward said. "Most of them have 10 or 12 children. If they are once held as misbehaving they are told they could be reassigned to another husband or their other children can be taken away.

"There's thousands that have either been invited to leave or have left because they can't deal with the level of scrutiny. I have a couple of hundred I have contact with … hundreds of boys and 10 girls."

Polygamy is illegal in Utah, although it is not a factor in Jeffs's trial. However, the trial will hear evidence of Jeffs urging his followers to maintain the practice.

A spokesman for the Utah Attorney-General, Paul Murphy, said there were 30,000 polygamists in the state. Instead of charging people with polygamy, officers were told to focus on child abuse, fraud and domestic violence.

Mr Murphy said jury selection had begun last Friday.

Defence lawyers will argue that Jeffs is being prosecuted for his faith. Officiating at a wedding ceremony did not make him an accomplice to rape, a defence lawyer, Walter Bugden, is reported to have said.

Ms Benward, who is about to open a home for excommunicated teens, said it was not polygamy but Jeffs who created problems for his cult.

"There are other polygamous groups in Utah that do very well. The problem is having a tyrannical, obsessed, deranged leader."

Post this to the Religion forum next time.

I don't get it!

Two Mormons walk into a bar. Or do they?

A Priest , a Minister, a Mullah and a Rabbi are sitting there playin Texas Hold Em.

Officer Clancy O'Malley bursts through the door shouting "This is a raid!" but when he sees the players he can't believe his eyes!

"Father, was you gambling?"

The priest makes with the sign of the cross whispers "Mother Mary, pray for me." then looks Clancy straight in the eye and says "No, my son. I was not gambling."

Slack jawed, the officer then turns to the Minister and says "Reverend was you gambling?"

The Minister thumps his bible once, whispers "What would Jesus do?" and then looks into the eyes of the policeman "No, my brother, I was not gambling."

A look of concern easing from his face the gendarme then asks the Mullah "Ummm, how about you...Arab church guy, was you gambling?"

A quick flick of the sleeve distracts the officer while the Mullah whispers "Allah, forgive me." then he too eyeballs the cop and says "No, my friend, I was not gambling."

Confusion now in the eyes of the constable he turns to the Rabbi and asks "Rabbi, was you gambling?"

The Rabbi looks him in the eye and says "With WHO?"

yeah...I just didn't think this one was all that funny...

in a billy crystal mood...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZl3gGV4H6c

Commedy and Satire Australian way:


"The NSW Police Minister, David Campbell, and the Police Commissioner, Andrew Scipione, lambasted The Chaser over the highly embarrassing security breach, claiming that they put themselves and their crew in danger from being shot.

But Licciardello said he didn't believe highly trained police would have "taken pot shots at a guy dressed up like Osama bin Laden".

"The footage we've got shows that the police weren't too worried - some of them were laughing.

"We have got more faith in the Police Minister's snipers than he does."






http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/chaser-pair-thought-gag-would-fail/2007/09/11/1189276719718.html

A string walks into a bar.

He yells "Bartender, get me a beer."

The bartender responds "We don't serve strings in this place. Hit the door!"

So the next day, the string again comes in the bar. He yells "bartender, get me a beer."

The bartender says "I thought I told you. We don't serve strings in here!".

So the string goes outside. He proceeds to unwind the threads that make up the upper part of his torso. Then he takes the threads and ties them into a knot. He goes into the bar and yells again "bartender, get me a beer." The bartender responds "I thought I told you. We don't serve strings here. Aren't you a string?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a fraid knot".

Dija hear about the two Peanuts walking down the street? one was assaulted.

Then they walked past a cookie factory, an mixer went kaflooie and now he's battery too!

Dija hear about the guy who got road rage? He ripped the radio antenna offa some hippie's VWbus and started hitting him with it! He was arrested for spreading vanaerial disease!

What's the difference between a pun and a fart? A pun is a shift of wit!

That one is 2/3's of a pun; pu.

Dija hear about the guy who farts in church? He sits in his own pew!

Checking my email box I notice the usual assortment of emails from people offering to give me a bigger wanger....

But today it occured to me to be skeptical of these ads, I mean, after all if there were an ancient Chinese herbal technique for making Wang into a Jeep Wangoneer, then why are oriental guys known to be the guys that can even make an Irishman proud of what he has?

Now, if you were to tell me that you discovered a plant that only grows in Africa!

I'd have to think that one over!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OenqNTIpbFs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OenqNTIpbFs)

Yeah, well... I see Ur one be and raise U tu be!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCUBxgdKZ_Y&mode=related&search= (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCUBxgdKZ_Y&mode=related&search=)

For some reason I had seen many of these on my own Teevee but the auto dealership is in Oregon! Why they'd be advertising in my neighborhood is beyond me.

World Famous Mime Marcel Marceau died this past week..

It is reported that his last words were "                                                    "

 :D

Why does a deaf/mute always masturbate with only one hand?

So they can moan with the other.

¿Que hora es?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pCBGeny1DM

Best song from a great film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2wrte1ijlY

¿;D?

I don't get it.

Of Time Bandits and Brazil, I like Brazil second best. I thought the scene in Pirates of The Carribean: Dead Man's Chest where they are in the bone cages was a direct lift from Time Bandits   which held the best line of that movie "Anybody want some rat? Might be your last meal!"

Actually, that line didn't make the cut at IMDb http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081633/quotes  but there are lots of good lines there.

Phew. I thought it was just me.

Lotsa "Time Bandits" references lately. Guess I need to rent it soon. Been a long time since I've seen it.

"I love you," says one maggot to another.

"Are you serious?" asks the other.

"I'm in dead earnest," replies the first.

He was a shy maggot, so he said it in his own hemming way....

When you reach Hero Member status, you can expand on my jokes.

Until then, you are risking a wedgie. 

Which can be painful to a full member.

Passed along by an Italian woman to her friends.

"In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game , she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

"...making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress...."

What is it about waitresses that seems to indicate to Rooney that they are easy?  As a balding relic (though clean, tidy, and of youthful build), I have no evidence that there are 22 year old waitresses who are even interested in letting me make a fool of myself in their direction.  When women that age say they like older men, what they mean is men who are age 25-32 and have grown out of being total clueless jerks.  There are a few of those.

Personally, I find women closer to my age much more interesting and am pretty much on the same page as Rooney.

barton,

I think Andy Rooney has someone closer to his own age in mind, something like a relic of the old Esquire logo who had a white mustache and a wardrobe probably from Abercrombie & Fitch who was kind of a father-figure to young ladies occasionally referred to by the obsolete term "gold-diggers" although an occasional Broadway show might have that title such as "Gold Diggers of 19--", you pick a year, with chorus girls, music ,singers, and comedy acts. Speaking of which, doesn't anybody have a better joke to post by now?

One guy is learning to tightrope walk in the French style and stretches a wire between to towers.

In the alley way there is a guy getting a blow job from an 85 year old hooker.

What one piece of advice could we give them both?


.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
.

.

Don't look down!

A third guy is standing at a Minnesota pissort stand up urinal.

As is normal for a guy in this position, with err.. time on his uhh hands... He starts to read the graffiti.

"For a good time call Betty"

"For a VD shot call the clinic."

This sort of thing.

Then he sees a bit that says "Look up!" So he looks up at eye level. There's a message that says "Look up."  So he looks up some more and there it says, "All the way up!" So he looks all the way up and at the corner of the ceiling and wall it says "Look over!" with an arrow pointing away from the wall. The guy is standing there craneing neck to see...




"Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!"


Serpentine Shel!

You gotta at least gimme credit for coming up with a joke that connects to the older lady topic and then a "Don't/do look down" connect.

An elderly lady had just finished her shopping, and upon returning to her car she found four young males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice: " I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why .

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

That's actually how I prefer to resolve my problems, although I don't drive so there is no reason to go to the police is there? How's that for funny.... But, you'd never understand why.

Hopefully this will bring a smile to your face:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ2wBMgs-lQ

A little boy gets dressed up on Halloween to go out trick or treating. He dresses as a pirate, with his pirate's hat, his pirate's sword, a patch over his eye, the works.

The little boy goes to a door and rings the doorbell. A lady answers the door and says, "Hello little pirate, where is your buccaneers?"

The little boy points to his head and says, "Under my buccing hat."

How do you get a witch pregnant???
.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You f**k her.

not funny ha-ha. well, maybe.

http://www.gocomics.com/tomtoles/2007/10/18/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bCyy7q_ylc

Happy Halloween Masks

http://www.forbes.com/home/media/2007/10/25/celebrity-halloween-masks-biz-media-masks07_cx_de_1025masks.html

Why dress as a ghost or a vampire this Halloween when you can disguise yourself as someone genuinely scary—like tea-room queen Larry Craig or bald-headed problem parent Britney Spears. Our annual collection of Halloween masks highlights some of 2007's most frightening people.

(http://images.forbes.com/media/halloween/2007/thumbs/larrycraig.jpg)

The senator from Idaho haunts the restrooms at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport--and still won't be exorcised from his seat on Capitol Hill.

(http://images.forbes.com/media/halloween/2007/thumbs/hilaryclinton.jpg)

The former first lady should dress as a witch this Halloween. She's already got the cackle down.

(http://images.forbes.com/media/halloween/2007/thumbs/johnedwards.jpg)

Try not to overwhelm yourself in a cloud of hairspray when perfecting this senator's look.

(http://images.forbes.com/media/halloween/2007/thumbs/ojsimpson.jpg)

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas--unless you're O.J. Simpson. Then you're likely to make national news when you're charged with felony robbery, assault and kidnapping.

(http://images.forbes.com/media/halloween/2007/thumbs/britneyspears.jpg)

It's hard to pick the scariest thing this former pop princess did in 2007: shave her head, attempt to raise two children or squeeze into a bikini for a disastrous performance at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Etc. etc.      :D :D :D

Hilary's laugh has become one of those affectations that might ultimately backfire, like Rudy Giulani's cellphone chats. 

I can't think of any Halloween jokes at the moment, though I'm sure "trick or treat" can serve either as a good punchline or as a good lead into a joke.

I remember one Halloween, some friends went out to a local park which has a large picture of a buffalo at the entrance and painted an enormous member on it, using phosphorescent (but otherwise clear) paint, so that their handiwork went unnoticed by the park staff (who left before sundown) but then glowed brilliantly at night.

barton: Was it a hero member like yourself?   :D  (I would say like thee and me, but, well...)

Some Halloween Jokes for my Elba Friends

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/geography.shtml

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

 ;D ;D ;D

Knock knock............

Dave's not here!

.... a little bit more for Sandy Claus...

I don't get it.

I'll 'splain mine... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7gWB7IzxtU

Q:    How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take  to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!  IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!     IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!
I'm sorry. What was the question?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know why but I've run into this at this web-site from women who protest to me that they are not having any menopause yet.

What does that mean?

They tell me I must be taking the wrong medication.

What medication?

Does this mean they have been taking medication  so as to not have any menopause yet?

If so, big mistake.  Sex is far more interesting post-menopause.

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:

a.. 85% of women think their ass is too fat...

b.. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

c.. The other 5% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

well, you know what they say...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUsjR4FSgSQ

flyingVprod: Is that THE Flying Tony, or just someone usurping the ilustrious name.?......

Q: What becomes of the spirits of all the birds eaten on Thanksgiving? 
A: They become poultrygeists.

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/the_way_we_live/article2890531.ece

When men meet fair-haired women they really do have a “blonde moment”. Scientists have found that their mental performance drops, apparently because they believe they are dealing with someone less intelligent...

Yes, elP, that is the "illustrious" Tony Verley,formerly of Latin or South American forum  at nytimes. I was worried about him during the recent fires on the Coast, so contacted him since fires were coming down into his area in kind of striated drafts, they'd hit one place and not another, then next few days they hit someplace else or come back again.  My sister in law used to live up on that northern curve off of the Pacific Highway.

Personally, I have seldom found that to be the case, it's just something about how blondes have this disingenuous expression on their faces when listening to a man and wondering  if men really are as dumb as they sound when they get that "blonde moment" thing.  They look kind of like little girls, the blondes that is, when they get that expression. Don't worry, they outgrow it by middle-age.

I liked the other "Scientists have found" statement that came out recently that proved Redheads had more sex than women with any other color of hair.  The funny thing is that many foxy russet-rose haired younger women loathe that tone once they found out they could be blond and have more fun, as in Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Marilyn Monroe having been one of them, but I first heard it from a much younger "movie star" while she was still in the ingenue category.

Which is why twice in my life having been blonde  by choice, according to either the time or the location because some communities have a social strata that require it, I generally give up on it before it ruins my hair; having had that pointed out by an Italian who would know about "cheap blondes", since i first tried this back in the era of Janis Joplin plus the Mamas and the Papas. It probably had something to do with having a big excessively intimidating German boyfriend who was a body-builder and knew that dowdy blondes look frowzie(or, frau-sy, as the case may be). These guys never worry about other guys hitting on their girl-friend because other guys are intimidated by the appearance of the body-builder; which has nothing to say about whether he is the least worried about hitting on some other guy's girlfriend, since he is bigger than the other guy. Gosh, have we described Arnold Schwarznegger or not?   

In those days, it was either blonde or you could always get an Afro-wig in a nice auburn tone.

This is not to say that there is not also a prejudice against brunettes as easily available, which comes as quite a surprise if you have never been one but are experimenting. My mother was a brunette for the greater part of her life during which she was also a femme fatale; but, with two grandmother's who were both red-heads, I didn't stand a chance. I realized that when living among blondes is the common denominator, it doesn't hurt to darken your hair gradually with something like Lazartigue which had a studio in New York that could also supply you with  what are known as dark auburn highlights and a nice violet toner when I was still at the age of agile flexibility to tape a cut next to the mirror and go to it, cutting my own hair, shingled up the back, and cut with bangs above the eyebrows and points of hair longer than the shingling accentuating the cheekbones by swing just below at the hollow below the bone. 

I found that when an Italian beautician wants to give you a perm to put body in your hair, forget it and just go to an Italian barber who will cut your hair expertly from your merely providing the description of the styling.  This is cost-effective. But I hate being trapped in the barber-chair,draped in a white towel, and having to listen to a couple a barbers in Jersey complain about Al Sharpton, if you know what I mean.



   

turn down the volume and play the kinks' "apeman".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4a1z7NLnNk

and be thankful if you don't work with any of these folks. or be thankful if you survived any of these folks. oh hell, just be thankful. peace.

Mailer Scoops Bad Sex Award from the Grave

http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/index.php?news=people&issueID=431&itemID=7965

"Mailer's temper and penchant for violence were legendary; he frequently engaged in both mental and physical brawls with his contemporaries, and stabbed his second wife, Adele Morales, with a penknife at a party in 1960."

Dang. Who did he think he was? Paul Verlaine?

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

"Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine.

"Vote for Rudy, Vote for Rudy."

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

(Adapt at will to fit your own political anti-preferences.)

 A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
 "You Know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing".
 The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
 The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
 The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
 When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
 WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay in there until I let you out."
 She then comes back downstairs, Looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
 "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.

A man is test-driving his brand new expensive sport car down a country road when far ahead he faintly sees a cowboy standing on the edge of the road with a cow next to him. As he approaches the cowboy and his cow, he notices the cowboy is asking for a lift.

The driver stops and the cowboy gets into the car, the driver asks if the cow will stay there, on the road risking being killed by a passing car or truck, the cowboy answers that there's nothing to worry about, as the cow knows the way and will follow the car to the next town, where the cowboy is going to.

The driver starts accelerating, and the cow follows at the same speed, he rises  the speed another 30 miles, and the cow is firmly there, the driver can't believe his eyes.
 As driver reaches now 80 miles an hour,  he can see  in the mirror the cow with her tongue  sticking out. With a satisfied smile, the driver tells the cowboy: "it seems your cow is geting a bit tired, her tongue is sticking out", the cowboy asks: "to the right ot to the left?", the man looks in the mirror again and says in wonderment: "...to the right...".

" Well, then let her overtake you, she's signaling to you, can't you see?", sais the cowboy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmAm8GNJ_IA

http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059#vt=1

Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink, then leans over to the bartender and says, "I need some HGH or some Steroids. Got any?"

Bartender says, "No".

For the next half hour the guy drinks and then regales customers with stories from his days playing "pro ball".

He pays his tab and leaves and another patron, "Remarks. Wow, that guy had so many baseball stories, you'd think he was Cy Young!"

The bartender says, "Cy Young. No! He's Roger Clemens!"

And that's no joke.

Lame

So they had a fire at the White House Campus today.....

Apparently, someone left the door to Dick Cheney's underground bunker open.

Earle: You got any new years resolutions?

Steve: My biggest problem is disciplining myself.  Last year I paid a large Dutch woman to do it but that got expensive.

Earle:  Was she like, your drill seargent, was she rough on you?

Steve:  She was, bi and large.

Earle: I um empathize man.. really.

Steve: I'm more of a breast man myself.

LOL!

This isn't really a joke, but it concerns Garrison Keillor and it is just plain weird:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/16/us/16keillor.html?ref=us

Too bad that article didn't include photos of the neighborhood...or at least of the two houses in dispute.  Would have made the story considerably more or considerable less weird.

Three Italian nuns go to heaven, and God says, "You've been so amazing, I'm going to send you back as anyone you want." Nun No. 1 says, "I want to go back as Brigitte Bardot." God says, "Granted," and sends her back to earth. Nun No. 2 says, "I want to go back as Gina Lollobrigida." And God says, "Have a great time," and sends her back down. The third nun says, "I want to go back as Sahara Pip-a-leeni!" And God says, "Who's that?" And she pulls out a newspaper that reads, “Sahara Pipeline Line Laid by 230 Men.”

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering it briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shoot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

2nd one well told. 1st... not so much.

It's more condensed than the way we used to tell it back in high school. We had three italian guy talking about who they'd lay and then the headline was "It Takes 350 Men 500 Days To Lay Virgina Pipline".

As Garrison Keillor has been trying to tell you "low" these many years, People are different in Minnesota; it even starts on the other side of the river in the little town of Gays Mills where Betty Munson has a sister. He may have lived in New York temporarily, even the couple who went to New Zealand may have stopped there on their way through but Historic Preservation is more important in Minnesota than it is in either Manhattan or New Orleans for that matter. How would you like Brad Pitt for your architect?  They haven't caught up yet to understanding that saving those Scandinavian style treatments up at the ends of the roof on each side of the "Georgian" house is not that important as  not pulling rank on the neighbours as to who is in a higher or lower income bracket, who is more ostentatious, who is more well-known, even in New Zealand....?  You see, I learned only this morning, either Princeton Univ.Press or California Press sent me a book notice, as they do, of a book which informed me that Historic Preservation is just a code word kind of like when some woman in Immigration forum accused me of living in a "gated community". Now, if only Keillor and the Vacationers lived in one of those, they wouldn't be bothering the city hall about who is building and blocking out the other's light, and air space, or who likes what view and was trying to look into Keillor's windows, and how the heck did he water his lawn, now I ask you?

You haven't met elportenito1, yet, have you?

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"

A masked man walked into a sperm bank, pulled out a gun, and told the secretary that this was a stick up and to open the safe.

The secretary replied, "You fucking idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money here!!"

The masked man insisted that if she did not open the safe he would shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opened the safe and stood back. There in the open safe were two vials of sperm.

The robber pointed his gun at the two vials and ordered the secretary to drink them both or he would blow her head off.

When she had finished drinking the second vial the robber took off his mask. There stood her husband with a grin on his face!!

"See Doris", he said. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"

Joke is in yellow.

What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?
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Drops him off at band practice.

hehe nice one. ponderosa...  reminds me of :

Wife is lying in bed and the husband walks in the room with animal under his arm.

husband says: " Honey, I want you to meet the pig I have been having sex with!"

Wife: " You stupid Phuch, thats not a pig its a sheep!"

Husband says: "I wasn't talking to you!"

Funny, ponderosa's reminded me of:

Q: What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Can't help but think of Gene Wilder...

Dr Doug Ross: This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep!

And for all the work that drummers do they get little respect.  :'(

Redneck power windows

http://my.break.com/content/view.aspx?ContentID=431414

'Tis true, ponderosa.  Woodstock was on the tube the other night, and I still think Santana's drummer turned in the best performance of the lot, and yet I have no idea who that fellow was.  Shame on me.

So, you're at a party with a lot of musicians. Which one's the drummer?

The one delivering the pizza.

 A Priest, a Rabbi, and a duck walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

John Kerry walks into a bar.  Bartender says, "hey, why the long face?"

Will work for... revenge!

http://www.crazyshit.com/site/pics/images/homeless_nigger_sign.jpg

For adults only.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTOQhPd2Xh4

A drunk walks up to a parking meter, puts a dime in and says, "Gee! I lost 100 pounds!"

if you have five minutes and forty-three seconds to spare...

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/970403/amazing_photos/

What's the meanest thing you can do to a blind person?



Leave the plunger in the toilet!

How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose?



Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a whole bunch of hares, and a fish you can't find

If a chick got pregnant from having anal sex, would the child be a crack baby or an asshole?

Two little sperms were traveling to an egg.  1st sperm said "Are we at da egg yet?"  2nd replied "HELL NO, we're still in this bitch's throat!  Keep swimming!"

Kam: Thank you for the one about the three nuns.

 Did you hear about the drunk who after asking how tall could be the shortest possible nun, discovered in disgust he had just have sex with a penguin.

Who's Garrison Keilor?, and why would parents name a child so?

A nun, a priest and a rabi enter a bar, and there's nothing funny about it. Ok?

elportenito1

He's a theatrical comedian of the radio show, The Prairie Home Companion, broadcast from Minnesota; occasionally seen on tv, then a film was made not too long ago with Meryl Streep but which I haven't yet seen, and he also tours to other appearances in theatres.  There is a book as well about the mythical Minnesota town of Lake Wobegon, which is factually like many little towns in the area for several states around. When I was in proximity for awhile in 1981-1982,  in or, on what is known as, the "West Coast of Wisconsin", I often listened to him on the radio Saturday nights and I often say that if I had known he would have written a book about  the people and places mentioned weekly on The Prairie Home Companion that I would have tried to beat him to the punch and write about it myself because I was located in a village of 400 people exactly like Wobegon known as Gays Mills.Some of the people even had the same last names.

I'm pretty sure that he most likely got his first name because of this man:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Lloyd_Garrison

As these US Territories opened up in which Keilor's forebears located, and my great-grandparents in another nearby locale, and some more great-grandparents on the other side of the great river and further east of the confluence of the rivers, William Lloyd Garrison was an important national figure to them who believed in Abolition, if you read the article on the Kansas Insurrection under the wiki heading, you will get it. To the settlers, the question of Kansas was important to them whether it would be a free state or remain a slave state. At the time that all our great-grandparents came from Europe to the territories, it was important whether each area had sufficient voters to become officially a state in the Union(or United States).

Kansas was at that time holding out to maintain a slave territory siding with the South in what became the Civil War. My forebears on the Wisconsin side of the River, some of them in Upstate New York,like many others fought in the Civil War on the Union side.

In other words, I have watched with interest for the last couple of years as Senator Barack Obama, one side of whose family came from Kansas, prepared for the Presidency; because frankly while I was there in Gays Mills an incident took place further down river at a place named after the more well-known Harpers Ferry, a young couple had walked north from Chicago, come across the river and planned to stay over night before traveling onward but an overly large crowd of people gathered to take a look at them because there were no other Black people around, the situation appeared to be rather menacing, especially if you come from a place as urbane as Chicago.  I was working with some people who had come from there to work at least for the summers; we were picking crops during the year that the US Labor Department failed to be able to find jobs for god knows how many Americans; but, I had a Swiss friend who had come from Europe when her family left toward the end of the 1920s to get out in time, so she realized the predicament and told me where to find work  in the area during each season of the year. The Chicago women went back to their teaching job for the Fall term. I and Frieda worked during the apple harvest as she had for thirty years. I expect that the couple at the lesser known Harpers Ferry continued going to the West.

Anyway, if you want to find out more of who Garrison Keilor is and what he is like, I'm informed that you can listen to him in Australia on ABC; and find out what the people are like in this region by listening to The Prairie Home Companion.

Why do midgets laugh, while running naked through a field?



Cause the grass tickles their balls

Girl comes home from school and says "Mommy! Mommy; today in math the class did multiplication I got up to the 3 times table and everybody else got up to their 5s! Is that because I'm blond."

"No, dear." soothed the mother.

Next day "Mommy! Mommy; today in spelling I spelled "shirt" S...H..I..T everybody laughed! Is that because I'm blond?"

"No, dear." cooed mother.

Next day "Mommy! Mommy; today in history I said the first president was George Washington Bush... everybody laughed. Is that because I'm blond?"

"No, dear." caressed mother.

Next day "Mommy! Mommy; today in gym class we went swimming! I have the biggest boobies in the whole class! Is that because I'm blond?"

"No, dear. It's because you're 26!"

I don't know. Ask your mom.

Albert Camus and Andre Gide walk into a bar, each puzzling over the political nature of seemingly random personal choices made outside the context of an institutionally-mediated ethos....

That's as far as I've gotten.  Just trying to work up something to counterbalance Franklin's recent flurry of middle school toilet stall humor.

uh huh huh  uh huh huh uh huh huh


(http://blogs.chron.com/specialfeatures/archives/beavis.jpg)



You referring to your mama?


OWWWWWWWW!!


Sick burn

Don't be so hard on Ureter. He's still in middle school.

Barton, I really like this one but would have to work on it awhile because anything that comes to mind would be deemed offensive in mixed company. Only two thoughts off the top of my head or maybe three. 

1)Which do they order vin rouge or vin blanc?

2)Which one of them causes all heads to turn and check him out?

 :)

1)  For hanging out and chatting, I think they'd go for a vin rouge.  Unless one of them is a migraine sufferer, and then vin blanc for him.

2)  Camus would be more likely to turn heads, based on photos I've seen.

1)Vin rouge, because Camus would order; and. as he was both more Red while also a Pied Noir.

2) You are right, because Gide would have picked the bar which in that case was gay and all heads would turn to look at Camus.

They did not leave an address where they could be reached so it is not likely that anyone here caught up with them and barged in on their conversation.

Your chat skills are analogous to a mechanic who can weave a Lamborgini out of steel wool and gum. 

Sure, since they could also chat about the Desert, and "street arabs". Albert would turn to Andre and ask,"okay, so what do you really feel about the indigene problem?" (since it would never occur to either of them to discuss "the Muslim situation"),then he would take another sip of wine. 

Andre would then reply,"It is really not even a question of aesthetic sensibilities." and heads would nod affirmatively among 50% of the eavesdroppers while the other  half of them would shrug their shoulders.

The proprietor, polishing glassware with a white flour-sack towel, now swears under his breath because he has just spotted Jacques Derrida passing by the open door.

weezo: thoughts of my relatives on the teaching profession from when they were in school until now.

SCHOOL  -- 1957 vs. 2007
 
Scenario:   Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.   

Scenario:  Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.   

Scenario:  Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.   

Scenario:   Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse..  Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.  State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.   

Scenario:   Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.   

Scenario:  Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.  English banned from core curriculum.  Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.   

Scenario:   Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with   domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. 

Scenario:  Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.   Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

I wish this could hit every e-mail
 

 

 

Excellent post, and the sad truth is that this is not an exaggeration.  Our society seems to have lost its common sense.

1957  A black man announces he wants to go to college with white students. He is beaten and lynched.

2007 A black man announces he is running for President. He might win.

1958 A little black boy named Michael Jackson is born in Indiana

2008 A frail white man named Michael Jackson is accused of pedophilia

I too have some reservations about the rosy depiction of the 1950's vs. now.  And the 2007 scenarios are a bit exaggerated.   I am very glad not to be living in the 50s.

Barton: It really wasn't that bad, depending on who you were or how old you were at the time.  We've been discussing this relative to Einstein rather than the relativity theory in the American History forum  re:Oppenheimer's experience for instance. 

I was young and naive at the time, but I learned fast. I didn't view the 1950s as "rosy". When you are a young adult, things are seriously troubling and most often you bump into trouble more often.  It's your learning phase and you find out what to avoid for the next decade and so forth.

This morning's news assures me that the best word of advice is: Stay away from Hillary Clinton.  She's trouble.

All those who believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.

(chuckle)

I believe in the power of telekinesis only as it applies to my own body.  And, even then, there are moments like getting out of bed where I'm not sure my mind can influence even my own matter.

Some team at Princeton tried to get a stadium full of people to influence some kind of electronic display to do a certain thing -- I don't think much happened, but still, an interesting way to test the hypothesis that people have some tiny effect and see if numbers could somehow multiply it.

I just flew in from Chicago, and boy are my arms tired.

I just came back to New Jersey from Kansas, and all I can is that there's no place like home.

My wife likes to have phone sex. The other day she called me up while she was having sex.

 

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
 
 
 I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
 

 
 I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
 
 
 I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
 
 
 I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
 
 
 I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
 
 
 I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
 
 
 I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.


----Rodney Dangerfield
 

Our apartment was so tiny, you had to go outside to change your mind.

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of bourbon, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

Speaking of newly-wed apartments, my sister forwarded this today as passed to her, so see if you can picture this:  Rules of Showering - Female vs Male


How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg -lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on

bath mat.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.


Have a great day! And, 'woo woo'!!

[Remember this was passed e-mail while at work from one female to another who passed it on as e-mail to me.   It was so boring  up front that I took it as literal]   Gee, I hope my sister knows that the nuns at the hospital read the computers in the clinic.
 

Mysoginist.

Geez, you still don't know how to spell, Yutley!  It was a joke by women; I'm just keeping you informed that your take is funny: to append your retort to that story.

m'I DixLescyc.

Okay, Mr.Utley, this will really frost you. My sister's response to your refusal to explain the difference between the sexes:


THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD?

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!?
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.?


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.?? ?

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.


You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,?or duck when the shit hits the fan.?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.?

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.


Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.?


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.?


You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.?

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........?

Well, Shit Happens!!!



                                    Personally, I think this send-along sounds like it was the stand-up for tv that George Carlin did. Wouldn't you say?



 

I've been saying "shit-bird" a lot lately.

Prepare for St. Patrick's Day, everyone:

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

So nice, we tell it twice.

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

That shitty shit joke was the shit!
 Next somebody (apparently it's going to be me) will be telling us that the most versatile word in the English language is Fuck  which can be a noun, as in "I don't give a flying fuck."
or a verb as in "Yeah? Well fuck you with a broomstick!" (that is Carlin BTW) and adjective as in.... ah fuck it, here, you listen to it (it plays by itself so be thee careful) http://www.turoks.net/Bordello/TheWordFuck.htm (http://www.turoks.net/Bordello/TheWordFuck.htm)

Redd Foxx used to like to emphasize that he didn't use profanity. He just talked about things we all did.

"You ain't ever fuck? She-e-e-e-et. You ain't ever shit? FUCK!"

Redd Foxx followed that up by saying, "I'll make you say shit, fuck and nigger! I'll take you out back, slam your fingers in the door of my Cadilliac! You'll say 'Shit, nigger! What the fuck you doin?!'

Redd Foxx is so tame by comparison to today!

Perhaps, but he was ahead of his time. One of my favorite Sanford and Son episodes was one that found Fred fighting a traffic ticket in court. He complained that cops unfairly target minorities and, of course, the judge denied it. Fred's response (paraphrased)...

"You kidding! There's enough niggers in here to make a Tarzan movie."

That show addressed DWB (driving while black) long before the term became part of the drug policy reform movement.

I miss Redd.

Yes indeed!

I remember listening to Redd and to LaWanda Page albums with the kitchen crew at Lake Minnewaska way back in the days.

If you have a subscription plan to a music service, they often have those old comedy albums. They're great. Redd Foxx telling jokes is like no one else, he's extremely hard to steal a joke from and make it as funny as when he did it. And I don't even know why. But its like the "Everybody does it!" joke It's easy to tell, but almost impossible to tell better than he does.

How 'bout Moms Mabley? 

Tomorrow's National Pig Day. AS Jack Parr used to say, "I kid you not!"

Think Rosie O'Donnell will be celebrating?

As Freddy Prinz said that Mom's Mabley said about him "You kin keep them black boys; they all chicken. I want me a wild porta ricken!"

I think that Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle are both very funny. Richard Pryor was just about the best ever. But they're barely considered "Blue' anymore!

Meanwhile, when Eddie Murphy did Raw, it turned me off to him for a large number of years. To me that is still a standard of Blue that has not been topped (Dice Clay came close but he forgot to be anything but offensive.)

Oh, and I still enjoy listening to Bill Cosby. He's another one that you can't steal jokes from. The thing about BC is that when you have several people that know the material, you can all laugh yourselves sick just by hitting the posts "Hey you, almost a doctor..." "But Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!" "Spread my Jello all over the floor" " There's invisible black snakes in the room... you'll puff up and die till morning!" "Sprang, You're well, go out and play!"

Racist.

Facist

One of my fave of Bill Cosby's was his being told as a young'un not to play with his belly button or he'd pop it & fly around the room like a popped balloon, so for a while he wore a band-aid over it. 

Ice cream! We're gonna have Ice cream!

You have no idea how funny that really is, given the spelling you used.

Isn't it time for you to run along and plan your new McDonald's menu for your marketing class, btw?

Today is the only day of the year thats also a directive.

March forth my peoples!  Its March 4th.  The fourth of March, from whence we go forth.

(http://thebosh.com/upload/2007/08/08/shirtless_prince_harry_in_boxers/radar-september-2007-cover_500x659shkl.jpg)

Hairy Haiku

“Harry is not so bad after all. Even so, it seems very unlikely that he'll ever be crowned King of England. Chances are he will lead a life largely bereft of meaning, plagued by paparazzi and devoid of any real sense of accomplishment. Perhaps the real trouble is that men of royal blood, by their nature, need new lands to conquer. Why not give Prince Harry a crack contingent of Gurkha fighting men and set him loose on some war-ravaged region, where he can establish his own princely state as a latter-day white rajah?”  http://thecurrent.theatlantic.com/

My dear Prince Harry—
You can be my white rajah
Any day you want…

Not funny.

Thank you, August 1.

Kam,

I was just saying this to my Assistant, she does not get jokes...

Also Happy Birthday to my istersay, "She's the youngest of ten and a delicate mite!" (well since we're hoisting, I might as well use a drinking song !)

Especially if he’s wearing a kilt…

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-kid-sees-a-pee-pee-1uf.jpg)

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-save-the-whale-0tp.jpg)

Talk about Global Warming!!!!

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-jock-strap-help-0Sq.jpg)

“What seems to be the problem here, young man?”

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-cell-phone-dork-dhD.jpg)

“I’m wired, baby!!!”

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-get-out-of-the-fridge-0yY.jpg)

“Where’s that fucking shit anyway?”

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-boobs-stop-a-train-0k3.jpg)

Hitting the Campaign Trail!!!!

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-atomic-toilet-9rt.jpg)

Texas and Ohio -- Hitting the Campaign Trail, baby!!!!

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-mcdonalds-new-nuggets-1IJ.jpg)

Not very funny...

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-dont-screw-with-granny-0oX.jpg)

Senior Citizen Voters Revolt!!!!

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-farmer-earl-0Vu.jpg)

Baby Boomer Voters Revolt!!!!  (kinda....)

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-look-out-below-1E9.jpg)

"Now then, kid. You're gonna find out what a real fucking Tsunami is all about!!!"

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-big-ones-0YW.jpg)

"It runs in the family, dontchaknow..."

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-the-fat-alf-kid-0fP.jpg)

Future Voters Wait Patiently   (Watch Out World!!!!)

Don't you think it would serve us better to heed the Ides of March?

Spasticity runs in my family.... Fortunately not very well.

One of those jokes that I never really found a way to make work.

Who said anything about heed? 
Why should any of us worry about a day Ceasar was warned about?
And finally, why are you being serious on a Comedy thread?

Gingerballs!

(http://i1.bebo.com/037b/14/medium/2007/11/02/11/8250620a5997345637m.jpg)

Yes, indeed, sir!!!

I'll drink to that one!!!

Cheers!!!!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

"Doctor, no one seems to pay any attention to me, I'm so lonely."

"Next!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6drXB57d8g

(http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/9056/gas1770610rh2.jpg)

Tomorrow!

Beware!

Guiness is running ads to make St Paddy's a National Holiday. I disagree, if they want to do something good they ought to make the day AFTER St. Paddy's a day off!

Do YOU want to buy a car that was made on March 18th? "That's not new car smell! Sombody threw up inside the doorpanel of this Gremlin!"

Same goes for the Seis de Mayo!

The ethnic jokes are lame.

Appears that the British military is preparing for peak oil?

(http://www.doingitwrong.com/wrong/2955_00031278.jpg)

edit to provide access to a better view... http://www.doingitwrong.com/wrong/2955_00031278.jpg

Happy Saint Patrick's Day... and other stuff.

http://www.unclejayexplains.com/

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

Would that be the gay Irish couple? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael?

I'm in awe of how many urine-based jokes the Irish people have generated. 

Happy St. Pat's to y'all!

 

And with that thought in mind I'll add that in Suffolk County, Massachusetts they have Evacuation Day every St. Pat's... :D

Wanna get a telemarketer to evacuate his job immediately?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI

(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1e/Curates_egg.png)

New Jersey Soap Opera

“What’s this, my dear sir, about a 3-way between you, your wife and the chauffeur?”

"Evacuation Day"

Kitin, what does it say about proper Bostonians that they have one day a year for this?

 ;)

Hmmm, a few things come to mind -- but since Boston is my hometown I'll (tongue firmly in cheek) merely suggest that it may shed some light on that old blue-blood inference?  Or, what may be taken for aloofness may be something else altogether  :o

But, in fact, ED is a just great excuse for Boston to celebrate St. Pat's.  Really. 

Erectile Dysfunction?

I've heard plenty say that St Pat's type celebrating was what caused ED, but not yet the other way around.

OMG, ober--

That was good...!

http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/?storyID=22639

So I have a kind of a puzzle that I thought up, maybe it would qualify as a riddle or maybe a trivia question. I don't know how hard it really is, or even if is new. I thought I might try it here though to see if... Well I must say that I have a couple of ways to go about this. I could start at the hardest(that I can think of so far) clue and then work my way down to the easiest clue, essentially giving more and more clues as it goes (but the answer to the easiest clue only lets you know what is happening, you then have to figure out what different is happening in the earlier clues) Ok I'll do it that way.

Ok:

A man is playing competitive cards for high stakes, he sees the following sequence, and he wonders. On the next play he sees a particular card. He immediately stands up and shoots his opponent dead. Why? What is the card that he saw just before shooting him?

Ace of spades
9 of Hearts
Ace of hearts
3 of Spades
2 of Spades
Jack of Hearts
4 of Diamonds
????? of ????????
Bang!

After the trial the man is in jail and he is playing cards, he sees the following sequence and says to himself "that's odd! I wonder if [this number] is next." It was. What is the number? Why? Sequence: Ace, 2, 7, 5, 2, 5, .....?

Another time the man sees this sequence and again is astounded. Why? Ace, 8, 4, 9, 3, 6, 8.

Years pass and the man is alone and sometimes forgetful when he sees the following sequence. Having lost most but his sense of humor, he laughs at himself and knows what he forgot to do. What did he forget and how does he know?

Ace of Spades
8 of Spades
Ace of Diamonds
6 of Diamonds
10 of Diamonds
King of Diamonds
2 of Clubs.

Don't forget the Mad hatter!

The Campaign Trail Forum...         Off to Pennsylvania!!!

Better!

Lesson in sneezing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L0G1DGCWwI

Ok... here's a laugh -- a business name that you won't easily forget:

Happened upon a Bunghole Liquors not too long ago...

Yeah, look it up. ;D

Har!  "I am Cornholio...."

...from Lake Titicaca?






ok, enough, already!

Incontinentus Buttocks.

Do you find something WISIBLE about the name Biggus Dickus?

No takers on the puzzle huh? Oh well... no big.

Our family were mostly players of Scrabble or chess.  My nonparticipation was due to large ignorance of card games and complexities thereof.   I seem to remember something about Wild Bill Hickok turning over an Ace of Spades right before he was shot dead, but that's about it for my card folklore knowledge.

I was interested in the answer. Sorry about not asking for it.

What I know about cards could fill a teacup -- no too big -- a thimble --  no  -- maybe a dimple :P

There ya go, obertray. Enquiring minds wanna know.

Meanwhile, here's Uncle Jay... http://www.unclejayexplains.com/

Inquiring?

There is probably comedy potential in cards -- "spades," in damonrunyonesque milieus, referred to African-Americans.  "Clubs" offers diverting multiple meanings.  Angela Lansbury fiddled with Laurence Harvey's brain, using the queen of diamonds, in the Manchu Candidate.  And there is the Wilson sisters, singing about the queen of hearts.  Well, enough Jack-ing off.

Warning, this is the answer to the puzzle above. If you are working on it you may not want to look, or you might.

The answers from the bottom up are.

He is alone, so he is playing solitaire. The seven cards are the sequence that he would deal if he did not shuffle the deck before he dealt.

So we see that the keys are that it's solitaire and that it's the deal that is the sequence.

In the next sequence the first card dealt is an ace, the next card facing up is the 8 and it is the eigth card that is dealt. The other's in the sequence are also the number on the units up to card number 28, which is the last 8.

The counting sequence is the key to the next clue too.

In this sequence however we skip a step of the progression (where we might go 1234567, 123456, 71234, 5....) and count out the deal 1234567, 2234567, 3234567, 4.... which gives us ace 2 7 5 2 5 last number 7 each number being the number that hits the counted number.

The hardest clue requires you to know a little more than I know right here. There is a classic stack to a deck of cards that makes the deck look perfectly random it's stacked such that the cards run Spades, Diamonds, Clubs, Hearts and start at ace and jump by 3 numbers. So the first card is Ace of Spades, the second card is the 4 of Diamonds the third is the 7 of Clubs and the fourth is the 10 of Hearts, the fifth card is the King of Spades and the its 3,6,9, Queen. The eigth card then is the 9 of Diamonds that is the second card in our sequence. Like I said, this is trivia, and hard trivia to boot, if you don't know this particular stack, you're not going to be able to figure out the answer. I am under the impression that this is a classic stack, I just forget what the name of it is.

The last card is the 4 of Diamonds. The next card displayed is the third card from the top of the deck of undealt cards. 4 to 7, 10, King Diamond to club, heart Spade. When our player sees the King of Spades he knows for certain that he is playing with a stacked deck, and so he kills the cheater (as Billy did to Stagger Lee).

Thanks for asking. If I send this into Games magazine, you can amaze your friends by knowing the answer!

Added later, The stack is called the Si Stebbins stack http://www.expertvillage.com/video/14734_sistebbins-setup.htm (http://www.expertvillage.com/video/14734_sistebbins-setup.htm) and the classic start would be Clubs then hearts spades diamonds..  Mine still works and would work if I just shifted the spades to clubs  etc (that's the beauty of a stacked deck) The video also says that this stack is the classic.

Stephen Stills sang about a "Black Queen", but I never knew if it was spades or clubs.

Way over my head, brother. Didn't even realize that a stacked deck had a sequence and that there were different types of stacked decks. I thought a stacked deck was one that contained an extra Ace o' Spades or two.

Man1: Do you know the difference between a toilet and a sink?

Man 2: No

Man1: Then you're not coming over to my house!
 Ba dum bump

Man1: Do you know the difference between a hot dog and a man's penis?

Blond girl: No

Man1: Let's go to my place for lunch!
 Heahooooooo!

Ponderosa 1: Didn't even realize that a stacked deck had a sequence

Obertray: Want to play some poker?
(insert laugh track here)

No but seriously folks!

Yeah no doubt that the first answer is a bear, that's kinda what I liked about it though, that the clues got easier and easier. If he's alone, then, well everybody knows solitaire is the card game for the solitary.

One could make an elaborate scoring card for the puzzle like you get 100 ponts if you answer the top question without going down to the next questions and you lose points for each question you go down before answering the top one. Then you get points for each lower question you get right .....

Very geeky though...Guilty.

Abby: Didn't your mama ever teach you to wash your hands after peein'?

Ray: Nah, my daddy taught me not to piss on my fingers.

Airplane food is known to have its effects, but this is ridiculous!

http://www.eontarionow.com/national/2008/03/24/jet-diverted-to-calgary-due-to-odour/

I'd be okay if the airlines stopped serving food of any kind, on any flight, ever -- and passed along the savings to me.  The notion that a human body cannot go for a few hours without food is ridiculous.   If I'm hypoglycemic or something like that, I'll tuck a bag of nuts or a banana in my pocket or whatever.  Think of the savings -- fewer staff, less weight, shorter fuselage (no galley needed), and quieter rides (if there's no food to bitch about, cabin chatter would drop 50%).

and that would mean less carbon dioxide, and improved air quality. I think you're on to something, here...

I just flew in from Nebraska. Man are my arms tired!

Well, they pretty much have on domestic flights, unless you are in first class, in which case your are either paying for the privilege and damn well are going to eat.  Or you are an airline employee on an upgrade.  In which case... you damn well are going to eat.  "They took my farking pension, I'm taking their farking food!"

lol

Guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin'pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

Whoa! 

Neigh.

So a young fellow is looking to marry the girl but there's just one little problem...

The girl's got a little sister. I don't mean little, little I mean a fully growed little sister.

Everytime he's over at the house, little sis is there, she likes to wear cutoff jeans cut to where the pockets end, and God only knows what is holding that halter top from bursting, it probably just like holdin on too much to let go!

Whenever she's near she's all the time dropping things in front of him and bending over to pick it up! Sometimes she turns around and bends at the waist, sometime she'll look him in the eye and then bend her knees so that her head drops down as she reaching for the item she dropped. However she does it, he's treated to dewy scenery!

He notices that she never does this when there are other people around!

Well, what can he do? He loves her older sister, what she gives up in looks, she makes up in dowry!

It's a week before the wedding, and he has to go to the house to get the, well something!

He get's there and nobody's home... except for "little Sis"

"Oh Leroy! I just knew we'd find time to be together!"

"Huh?"

"Don't be shy, Leroy, you know I've wanted you from the very first! Now we can finally do it! One hot time  before you marry my sister and we can never be together again! Come upstairs with me, won't you please, Leroy!"

She started up the stairs and Leroy didn't hestitae for even one second! He turned around and headed right out the front door!

Outside there was every member of his fiancee's family! They started into clapping and shouting and back slapping and congratulating Leroy. "You did it son, you passed the test, we couldn't have asked for a better man to marry our daughter!"







And the moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in the car!

The midget joke has give me a mental picture I can honestly say I've never encountered before.  LOL. 

Re the condom joke -- wouldn't Leroy say, "Hang on, I'll be right back!" or similar? 

Oh please, Barton. Leroy's joke was the bestest of them two.

Oh, please, yourself.  I liked the midget-in-twat joke better because it accomplished its comedy mission flawlessly (unless you start in to questioning why a midget would be buying a full-sized horse....).

The Leroy joke was terrific right up until the point where he wordlessly turns and runs out the door -- given the punchline that follows, it seemed a little contrived -- i.e. I don't believe a real person would do that, in that situation, because men, if they know ANYTHING about female psychology, know that just turning on your heel and walking out would be totally misinterpreted in that context.  Think about it.  It's contrived.  C'est la vie.

And one for the ladies: 


Question:  What does it mean when a man is lying in bed gasping and calling your name?















Answer:



You didn't hold the pillow down long enough...

 :o

Ouch! 

 :D

Ok it's April Fool's Day, so I'll share with you, the world's easiest Bar Trick.

Pick someone who is already a little loose.

After conversation and ice breaking:

You hold up both hands, on one hand you are holding up one finger, on the other hand two fingers.

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Three"

"Hmm" put your hands behind your back, switch the positions of the fingers, bring your hands back up "now how many fingers am I holding up?"

"Three."

Do the old bunk the hands so that the one finger hand now has two fingers and the two finger hand has one (as if by magic!) "Now how many?"

"Three"

Play with it a little, but always have three fingers up, do it a few more times till the mark gets comfortable.

Then say "Four"

"What?"

"Four, there are four fingers."

"Where?"

"Right here, onetwothree four..."

"Three!"

"Four! What, you can't count? There are four fingers up. Listen, if I'm wrong will you buy me a drink?"

"Yeah!"


"Ok, I'm wrong! Bartender Chivas Blue, rocks please! Thanks dude!"   

(http://anemicroyalty.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/mcdonalds_anemi.jpg)

McDonald's Goes Gay

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=60168

 :D :D :D

Didja ever read God Knows by Joseph Heller?

It's written with David as the narrator and he rips into Michelangelo for not circumcising him in the statue.

One of the funniest books I've ever read.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/baseball_imposes_tough_new_three

Didja ever read God Knows by Joseph Heller?


Yes, laugh out loud funny.

The wisdom of Solomon my eye, that shmuck was really going to cut that baby in half!

"King shming" Saul's advisor
"What's that mean?" Saul
"It's just an expression."Saul's advisor
"Is it an old expression?"Saul
"You're the first king! How old can it be?"

"Solomon, you have to get other interests, outside interests" David

"Oh but I have a hobby, I collect these tchotchas. I buy them from the Philistines!" Solomon

"That's not a hobby, that's just shopping."

"Oh but no! These are an investment, I buy them low and wait for the price to go up."

"What 'the price go up'? These are available in every Philistine market place."

"Yeah, but I get them for a good price! They want a lot for them, but I jew them down!"

" WHAT?! Bathsheba! Get this moron out of here; before I kill him!"

 

obertraY: I don't get it?.,...d'you think Catholicism is ruining my mind?

Well it is Old Testament stuff.

The subject of the book is the first three Jewish Kings, Saul, David and Solomon.

The book is written from the perspective of David, so he's telling about how crazy Saul is/was, throwing spears at David's head and whatnot. David married Saul's daughter (IIRC) but in order to do so Saul told him to collect the foreskins of 1,000 Philistines (who were the enemies of the Jews, sort of like the Palestinians today). David started collecting them (with his army) and soon decided that Philistines foreskins would be much easier to collect if the Philistine was dead BEFORE you tried to take it Then he figured that it would be much easier to just lop the whole unit off. They ran into one particular Philistine (we'll call him Humongo) and took the relevant "information" and placed it on top of the basket full. On the way back to Saul the praises of David rang through the streets. "Saul has his hundreds, David his thousands!" which, as you can imagine, chagrinned the monarch, chosen by God. But as David's army walked through the streets with the evidence of their success, many were the women who looked on and wept for Humongo, for he was really a tender soul.

Saul had an advisor who was sort of trying to guide this fledgling religion, we're never quite sure if he is an actual man or a messenger from God. But he's sort of a cranky guy who is not too fond of Saul, due to the fact that Saul isn't the most qualified jew to be king in his estimation.

David does tell in thrilling detail the story of him v. Goliath. This was the event that put him in the public eye. In his estimation it was no big deal. He knew he could outrun Goliath anyway, so if it didn't work, no problem, if it did, hey great!

David, as you might know had a very close relationship to God, they would talk for hours, and it wad David who wrote the Psalms that God so favored. But David saw Bathsheba bathing on the rooftop, and... well the worst part was that he sent her husband, a general, off on a mission that David knew was a suicide mission, and he only did so to get rid of him.

God stopped talking to David. David married Bathsheba, things got much worse for him! Bathsheba had David's son, Solomon, she wanted Solomon to be the next King, but David had about 17 sons before him, so he said "No Way!".

I'm sure you know this, but Solomon became the next king, I don't think any of the 17 were there to contest the coronation! All through the book. Bathsheba is constantly browbeating the now Godless David to have her son made king. David couldn't abide it because aside from the 17, 16, 15 ,14, 13, dozen, several sons he already had, he really didn't like Solomon anyway. David coined the phrase "The Wisdom of Solomon" as a sarcastic snarl, which everyone immediately took as sincerity, talk about your chagrinned kings!

As a raised Catholic with only a perfunctory understanding that there was such a thing as an Old Testament, I found this book tied a lot of the fairy tales together and I understood the progression better.

It's a laugh out loud book with just enough "gee I wonder" (after David "loses" God he winds up with Asabag, who is a virginal girl who attends him without ever speaking... One is left at the end figuring that Asabag was actually God, but David never knew it, in my interpretation anyway). Run don't walk, get this book and read it, you'll laugh and laugh and laugh some more, and then you'll come away with a different point of view!

Great summary, Obertray!  Makes me want to dig it out and re-read today.

I lent my copy out and haven't seen it since! You know what? I have a library card! I think I will go get it and reread it too!

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/the-job-comedic-short-film/72319371

Not a real joke sort of post, more of a jokes on me sort of thing.

So not so very long ago I had commented (in another forum) about a group of people in Colorada who were saying "Somebody ought to help us!" because they were in the remnants of a mining town where the mines were filling with water and the fear was that the mines were going to blow and the water, laced with the nasty chemicals that had been mined there, would toxify the territory.

My take was/is that somebody DID do something to help them; they named the town Leadville! Villes often having a name that reflects what went on there, there is no real alternative than to think that Leadville is a place where you'd rather not be. Whether the town is made of lead, or if the town got it's name for flying lead, or if the town got it's name from lead production, in all cases the name ought to be a warning to stay away. It like people in Tannersville complaining that there are no hemlock trees and that the ground water is tainted by tannin. Well that's why they called it Tannersville! (actually, Tannersville is down the street from Prattsville which was built by Pratt, and was home to the worlds most productive tannery).

But I digress...

So the other night I was chatting with my daughter about the high school varsity softball team she is on and the tournament they had recently play at.

She couldn't get over the fact there were still piles of snow around the ball park and that the fields were is such terrible condition. "It was muck everywhere you stepped, you should see my cleats." "Hmmph!" said I trying my damnedest not to be a hypocrit!

Hypocrit? I? No never! How could I let her complain? I mean after all, she was playing softball in the town named MUDVILLE!

There was no joy there either, she got a hit!

A man is sitting on the living room floor, watching the game on tv and playing with his little girl.

She comes over to him while he is watching holding up her hand and pointing her little fingers.

"Lookit."

"OOOOhhh those look delicious! I'm gonna eat those fingers up, num num num num num!" as he lovingly "chomps" on her fingers in his mouth.

The daughter squeels with delight and pulls her hand out of his grip. His attention goes back to the game and his daughter goes from delight to dispair, Squeeling, to crying.

"What's the matter dearie? Daddy didn't hurt you, he was only kidding."

The daughter looks from her fingers to daddy's mouth, to her fingers, then holds up her hand and asks.


"What happened to my booger?"

(http://www.foothilltech.org/rgeib/english/orwell/primary_sources/faulkner.jpg)

The Fart and the Fury
—for William Faulkner

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow—
I fart in this shitty place from day to day…
Down to the last stinky turd of recorded time,
And all my diarhea has flushed me clean in
This place of shitty death. Out, out, stinky fart!
Life's but an endless toilet, a poor plunger
That struts and frets its hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: a Rotor-Rooter
Child-idiot, full of farts and fury…
Signifying nothing."

http://www.mcsr.olemiss.edu/~egjbp/faulkner/faux.html

In return for kiddo joke above, herewith:

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, " Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant !"

Deep breath .. "What did you call it ?"   

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does .. "A f r i c a n  Elephant "

Good one.  And thanks for clearing some of the fart smell from the room.

 "To pee or not to pee...."

Happy to oblige, tho' I will confess to a revert-to-age-8 reaction in our household when stories appear on the news about the endangered fish known as the delta smelt, as in he who...

Professor Burger! Where were you thirty years ago when I needed ya?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EX_is9LzFSY

Ponder!  My high schooler says many thanks for now being able to have what was not to be had 30 years ago.   (Her mom is also grateful, though mystified more than somewhat.)

I coulda been an engineer (en-gu-nir, not en-ju-nir)!  :D

Funniest youtube clip EVER



http://youtube.com/watch?v=eMBojeJf17M



I'm disappointed that none of mine made it on there

That calculus video, at least the first couple minutes, seemed a marvel of clarity, even watching it here in a univ. computer lab where I didn't have sound. 

The only math joke that springs to mind is dredged from my childhood....

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rla0vs4djYs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rla0vs4djYs)
just click it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeo0_3gN190

There was a nun, a priest, a pastor, a rabi, a  imam a grasshoper and a glass of wiskey. (I'm sorry, the phone is ringing, I'll be back shortly)

WELL??? 

I'm waiting....

There was a cop, his wife, some stolen marijuana, some vicodin... and yes, we have a gun in the house.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHTzpXyXO-4

http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/28045,features,world-leaders-episode-6-youre-a-big-titted-liar

Episode 6: Brown has it out with his famous flatmates

From The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin.

Brit humor that is actually funny! Here's a link to the quotes section http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073990/quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073990/quotes)


Colin Pillock: It's my great pleasure to welcome back Reginald Perrin, the former head of the amazing Grot shops chain. I understand you're now running a community called "Perrins", Mr. Perrin?
Reginald Perrin: Yes.
Colin Pillock: It's been described as a community for the middle-aged and the middle-class in what used to be Middlesex.
Reginald Perrin: Yes.
Colin Pillock: Tell me, Mr. Perrin, are you running this community for the benefit of humanity, or simply to make money, or is it a giant confidence trick?
Reginald Perrin: Yes.
Colin Pillock: I hope you're not going to tie yourself to this monosyllabic repetition of "yes".
Reginald Perrin: No.
Colin Pillock: Oh good, because our viewers might think it a waste of time for you to come here and say nothing BUT "yes".
Reginald Perrin: Yes.
Colin Pillock: So, which of them is it, Mr. Perrin? A social venture for the benefit of mankind? Purely a commercial venture? Or a con trick?
Reginald Perrin: Yes. It's all three of them. That's the beauty of it.
Colin Pillock: What kind of people come to this community?
Reginald Perrin: Well, at the moment we've got a stockbroker, an overworked doctor, an underworked antiques shop owner, a disillusioned imports manager, and an even more disillusioned exports manager. Three sacked football managers, a fortune teller who's going to have a nervous breakdown next April, a schoolteacher who's desperate because he can't get a job, a schoolteacher who's even more desperate because he has got a job, an extremely shy vet, an overstressed car salesman and a pre-stressed concrete salesman. People with sexual problems, people with social problems, people with work problems, people with identity problems. People with sexual, social, work and identity problems. People who live above their garages, and above their incomes, in little boxes on prestige estates where families are two-tone, two-car and two-faced. Money has replaced sex as a driving force, death has replaced sex as a taboo, and sex has replaced bridge as a social event for mixed foursomes, and large deep freezes are empty except for twelve sausages. They come to Perrins in the hope that they won't be ridiculed as petty snobs, but as human beings who are bewildered at the complexity of social development, castrated by the conformity of a century of mass production, and dwarfed by the immensity of technological progress which has advanced more in fifty years than in the rest of human existence put together, so that when they take their first tentative steps into an adult society shaped by humans but not for humans, their personalities shrivel up like private parts in an April sea.
Colin Pillock: I, er, I see...
Reginald Perrin: Not too monosyllabic for you, I hope?

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.  When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official, accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."

Reporter: That's some spacesuit you have there, Mr. Jimenez. Can you tell us about it?

Jose Jimenez: THE SPACESUIT OF THE ASTRONAUT OF THE INTERPLANETARY...THE SPACESUIT OF THE ASTRONAUT COST $18,000.

Reporter: Wow! $18,000!

Jose Jimenez: Well...it has two pair of pants....Dat's why it cost so much...the spacesuit,that is.

Ed Sullivan: So, is that your crash helmet?

Jose Jimenez: Oh, I hope not.

barton: Youse have a weird sence of humour in America, I don't get it, what's so funny about a number eating another?...cruel? violent?..sad?, yes. But I can't see anything funny about the demise of a number at the hands of another.

Next time come up with something cheerfull., there's enough sadness in the world as it is, we don't need your sad rithmetic stories.

The trouble with "sad 'rithmetic stories" is that they tend to multiply, and that can cause a division among some of us. It's best not to add any, as it can subtract from the humorous atmosphere that is so often found here.

Well, if we're descending into the depths here....


Man:  Doctor, I've got a weak back.

Doctor:  When you did you first notice this?

Man:  About a week back.

Okay, if that is the mood around here,

"What is Politics?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of
the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator
of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that
and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."

ROFL!!

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D90QL6NG0&show_article=1

Winslow -- your link is not even remotely funny.  To even suggest that this sickening tragedy is humorous puts the lie to your tagline's statement that you are not trying to offend anyone.  Obviously, you are working overtime on being offensive.

Here's the thing -- no one really cares enough about you or your postings to bother being offended, or to offer any attempt to talk you off the narrow ledge you are obviously perched on.   I suspect that, underneath your sad little displays of grossness and stupidity, is the desire to somehow connect with people -- perhaps you feel that your posts will somehow create a filter, blocking out most of us, but admitting one kindred soul who "gets" what you are about.

I don't think it works that way.   Conversations here are textual -- any latent charm you might have will not show up, as all we have to read are your words and your tasteless links.  Even if someone should chance to think that what you do is some kind of performance art or there is some kind of subtext, I imagine that their next thought will be that you've failed in your mission to get it across.  I think this failure lies in the essential failure to first make a connection, to first establish that you really are a person -- in order to go "off the reservation" you first have to be ON the reservation, and be somehow recognized.  From what I've seen of your posts, that hasn't really happened.   I'd suggest you start over, get a different moniker, and actually try to relate to people here before you push the envelope and go to your dark places.





 

What's going on here?..this used to be a good "place" to be. Funny. Only a very few posts since the 24th April?...why?....where have all the funny Americans gone?....only Hillary left?

Should I start telling Australian jokes?....you wouldn't want that. So think about it again. Bring in the clowns

PHILADELPHIA (A&P--Faux News) - H.J. Heinz Co. on Thursday posted a 7.2 percent increase in fourth- quarter profit as price increases partially offset higher commodity costs. The foodmaker also boosted its dividend.
 
For the year, earnings rose to $844.9 million, or $2.63 a share, from $785.8 million, or $2.36 a share, a year earlier. Annual sales rose by 12 percent to $10.1 billion from $9.1 billion in the previous year.

Heinz also reported that much of their sales increased as ketchup is used to give the appearance of blood, and Quentin Tarantino had a new movie he was working producing and directing.

LONDON (A&P Faux News) - entertainmentminute Naomi Campbell has been charged with assaulting two police officers during an alleged luggage rage incident at Heathrow Airport, her lawyer and prosecutors said Thursday.

The 38-year-old supermodel was charged when she reported to Heathrow police station to answer bail over the April 3 fracas, lawyer Simon Nicholls said.

The Crown Prosecution Service said Campbell faced six charges—three counts of assaulting a constable, two counts of using threatening, abusive words or behavior to the cabin crew and one count of disorderly conduct. Police said the assault charges related to two officers.

 Campbell was removed from the plane and held for eight hours at the airport police station before being released on bail.

She arrived at the police station Thursday in a chauffeur-driven Mercedes. She left without speaking, but her lawyer said the supermodel was "bitterly disappointed" that she had been charged. Even more so, she was "outraged" since officials had refused to strip search her which caused her "undue anxiety" as she is consumed with worry that officers refused to strip search  thinking she was fa, or in fact, not a woman.

Los Angeles (A & P Faux News) Hollywood star Sharon Stone has apologized for suggesting China's earthquake was bad "karma" for its handling of Tibet, but Christian Dior on Thursday dropped her from its local ads amid a public uproar.

The 50-year-old US actress offered to help with relief efforts after the May 12 quake that killed nearly 70,000 people, in an effort to smooth over tensions sparked by her controversial comments at the Cannes Film Festival last week.

"My erroneous words and deeds angered and saddened the Chinese people, and I sincerely apologize for this," she said in a statement issued by Dior China and sent to AFP on Thursday.

"I'm willing to participate in any earthquake relief activity and to do my utmost to help Chinese people affected by the disaster," she added.

"As such I am willing to auction off my thong to the highest bidder, as soon as I actually purchase one and wear it," the fading, one-trick-pony of an actress remarked.

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-the-man-bra-fXA.jpg)

If men designed the bra.

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-the-panic-button-1Q4.jpg)

The Panic Button

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-moo-shoe-pork-1pY.jpg)

Moo-Shoe Pork

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-streaker-chase-0Vx.jpg)

Streaker Chase

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-hairy-bra-0CP.jpg)
(for Madupont)

Hairy Bra

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-big-beer-break-brq.jpg)

Campaign Trail Boozers

(http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-redneck-swimming-pool-HY4.jpg)

jbottle sobering up

(http://www.cracked.com/articleimages/wong/comicads/xray.jpg)

Elportenito’s latest invention

florianopolis: The invention of those "magic" spectacles, the dream of every puber, is already reality.

At the airports they've got this device which allows them to see thru clothing, they say is not THAT accurate to show anathomic "features" but I bet if its good enough to see what's underneath clothes, some fun surely will be had.

Real Life Mistakes were made.


MIDDLETOWN, Pa. (AP) -- A computer spell-checker run amok christened several Pennsylvania high school students with new - and in some cases unflattering - last names.
Middletown Area High School's yearbook listed Max Zupanovic as "Max Supernova," Kathy Carbaugh as "Kathy Airbag" and Alessandra Ippolito as "Alexandria Impolite," just to name a few.
"It was kind of funny, but kind of rude at the same time," Ippolito said.
The mistakes were found on four of the yearbook's 176 pages, co-editor Amanda Gummo said.
 
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/O/ODD_YEARBOOK_MISTAKES?SITE=NJMOR&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2008-06-02-12-31-53

The ant says to the elephant: "let's have sex", the elephant blushing replyes: I'm sorry, but again I forgot the condoms. The ant starts to crye: That's not true...you don't love me any more!. The Elephant stamps the ground with his foot, and asks: Did the ground move for you too?, to which the ant angry replyes: That wasn't funny, you know?

What's gray and usually comes in quarts?







......


......an elephant!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!










(http://images1.comstock.com/Imagewarehouse/TS/SITECS/NLWMCompingVersions/C0030/C0030702/C0030702.jpg)

 A drunk walks up to a parking meter, puts a dime in and says, "Gee, I lost 100 pounds!"

Already tried that one a while back, you senile jackass

(http://www.wayodd.com/noindex2/funny-pictures-hoes-pushing-the-car-0AQ.jpg)

Kansas Flooding

That makes me want to help all the flood victims, more than ever.

Dumb Kansas Laws

Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

Dodge City

It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.
All places of business must provide a horse water troft

Lawrence

All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.
No one may wear a bee in their hat.
 
Russell
Musical car horns are banned

Salina
It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
Topeka
The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.

Wichita
Before proceeding through the interesection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehice and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.
Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas.

Q: What's the difference between a Kansas fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: What does the average Kansas University student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q. What did the Kansas graduate say to the Kansas State graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: Did you hear about the fire in Kansas University's library that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Kansas University library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.




Q: How many Kansas fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.


A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Kansas joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Kansas grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Kansas grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Kansas grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."


Q: Did you hear about the Kansas University fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.


Q: Why do Kansas University fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

But if you're really looking for a good laugh, spend some time reading this collection on the Kansas hearings on Evolution:

http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/kansas/kangaroo.html

Utley,

I'm curious about your choice of Kansas for your generic stupid-people jokes.  The state has one of the highest literacy rates, and average SAT scores, in the nation.  KU ranks fairly high, academically, among midwest schools.

These sorts of jokes usually single out Mississippi or Arkansas, so I'm curious about the geographic shift you offer.

 

Just thinking of a certain Kansan, that's all.

Apologies if this has appeared here already

A man is walking by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of her screaming parents.
 
The man runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
 
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the man says: "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
 
'Why, it was nothing," the hero replied; "really, the lion was behind bars, and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt was right."
 
"I noticed a bible in your pocket," said the journalist.
 
Yes, I'm a Christian and was on my way to a bible study," the man replies.
 
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page."
 
The journalist leaves. The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions; he reads the front page headlines, "Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."

Kudos! nytempsperdu

(http://l.yimg.com/a/i/ww/news/2008/06/22/carlin-full.jpg)

He will be missed.

Kind of makes flooding fun.

You know how you're always getting those "heartwarming tales" of miracles in your e-mail.

Well, here's one to pass along to those friends of yours who forward you those tear-jerkers:

They say Elephants never forget...

 

 

Believe me, this is worth the read until the very end!



 
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .   On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
 
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.   Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
 
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.   As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.  The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
 
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
 
Probably wasn't the same elephant.   

 

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.

brilliant!!

I get a lot of those emails from my sister-in-law unfortunately  ;)

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>> Contact e-mails:
 
 
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