Escape from Elba
Exiles of the New York Times
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2086  Home and Garden / Food Matters / Re: Food Matters on: July 30, 2007, 12:24:39 PM
Cinnamon Toast

This is an old recipe for cinnamon toast, which my grandmother brought over from the old country (Peoria):

Slice of bread, lightly toasted
Butter (or margerine)

Toast the bread.  Sprinkle a half tsp. of sugar onto the bread, immediately after buttering it.  Follow this with cinnamon, applied liberally over the entire area that is already covered with sugar and butter (or margerine).  Allow sugar and cinnamon to absorb some of the butter (or margerine).

Serves one.

2087  Books / Creative Writing / Re: Creative Writing on: July 30, 2007, 12:12:53 PM
St. Eve collapsed to the firm turf of Fermilab and, with a horrendous groan, gave birth to a horde of huge writhing alien snakes.

As death drew near, the Earl of Essex leaned close to the dying balding plump attorney and asked, "Have you got a valediction, boy?"

"Keizer Sozay!" grunted St. Eve.

"Who?" said Bart and Essex, in unison.

"Rollo Tomassi!" cried St. Eve.

"Sounds like some eye-talian fellow," said Essex.

"Rosebud!!" screamed St. Eve.

"Never mind that," said Bart, ever practical and always with small nodules in his armpits that kept scaring the hell out of him, so he was accustomed to fear.  "We need to kill these huge alien snakes before they---AAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!"

"Quite right," said Essex.  "Perhaps a sharp pointed stick or a heavy----AAAAUUUGHGGGGHHHHH!"

"Urlghrgk!" said St. Eve and died.

The snakes began to reproduce and soon had taken over the entire human race by invading recti and then taking control of the host body.  Annoying ad jingles, in human brains,  were replaced by stern commands to begin building vast underground burrows and mouse ranches.

Another alien race, known as the WeeniePie, took pity on suffering humanity and nuked the Earth into smithereens.


2088  Arts / Movies / Re: Movies on: July 30, 2007, 12:02:55 PM

I wish that you would, when posting, elaborate a bit more.
2089  Books / Meander Where You May / Re: Meander Where You May on: July 30, 2007, 10:29:05 AM
I'm an ailurophile, but haven't had a cat since mine vanished about five years ago.  Now I befriend neighbor cats and value their efforts in licking out the smelly remnants from sardine and tuna tins, freshening my trash.

Why does Melba keep closing the door behind me when I click on links here??  I've just noticed it lately, I'll click on something and then the server won't allow me to navigate back here to whatever page I was on with the backwards-arrow thing.  I'll live, but it's puzzling.

2090  Arts / Comedy / Re: Comedy on: July 30, 2007, 10:15:54 AM
I had always heard that nine yards of cement was the full content of a cement mixing truck.  I don't know why Wikipedia would dismiss this explanation, as it provides the one instance of a totality of something actually being nine yards, and I have heard it verified by a contractor.   Though I had to wait three weeks for his verification.

What about the whole kit and kaboodle?  Can you ask for just the kaboodle and, if so, how much would you get?

If there were 14 fish in the barrel, how many would you have to shoot to get a kaboodle of fish?  (This is on the quiz tomorrow)

2091  Arts / Movies / Re: Movies on: July 30, 2007, 10:06:11 AM
This docu

was making the rounds of art houses in the prairies, last year.  I have no idea if it was any good.
2092  Arts / Movies / Re: Movies on: July 30, 2007, 09:02:33 AM
So long, Ingmar --- who made visually stunning films that I saw when I was too young to get them, and now I must go back and see Wild Strawberries and Persona and The Seventh Seal and see what I can find underneath all the Swedish gloom.

2093  Health / Fitness and Nutrition / Re: Fitness and Nutrition on: July 29, 2007, 02:26:03 PM
Stretching is very good for you. 

And don't wear jeans.  All those tight areas and rivets and such inhibit natural motion.

2094  Books / Meander Where You May / Re: Meander Where You May on: July 29, 2007, 02:23:39 PM
Thanks, Trojan.  All these years of toiling away in obscurity and finally some recognition.

Babies suck the energy out of parents, this much I know.

2095  Books / Creative Writing / Re: Creative Writing on: July 29, 2007, 01:41:22 PM
"Was he?" asked Bart.

"Was who what?"

"Was the king evil?  You said family members were sent there if they had consumption, or the king's evil."

"Now this is where meta-narrative could really help," said Essex.  "If you paid attention, you would notice that I wasn't stipulating that people would be sent to Strathwood in the event that the king was evil, for you would have discerned the use of an upper case 'K' and 'E' and made the inference that 'King's Evil' was a name, describing some sort of affliction, i.e a medical condition.  Also, may I point out that we have had more than one king of England, which made your question not only obtuse but ignorant."

"Well," said Bart, "you do have quite a stick up your butt, don't you?  But what else could one expect of an inbred toffee-nosed snot who cares more for the arrangement of silverware than the welfare of his fellow man?  See if you get any help from me again!"

"Could you hand me my pants?" asked Essex, seemingly unruffled.

"You have to be kidding!" cried Bart.

"You instructed me to see if I could get any further help from you.  Asking for my pants seemed like a simple way to perform this test."

At this point, E.M. Forster materialized, due to a problem that Fermilab had been having with small dimensional rips in spacetime.  "Stop this right now," cried Forster.  "Has no one here read my 'Aspects of the Novel'?  Does no one here know the FIRST THING about writing fiction?  This is just horrible, horrible, horrible!  You need to simply start over!  And I don't mean having nutria evolve intelligence and taking over the planet after the human race destroys itself!"

2096  Arts / Movies / Re: Movies on: July 29, 2007, 01:22:05 PM
Raising AZ is suitable fare for all ages, provided that, when it comes to funny-shaped balloons, you think that round is funny.

Saw Hairspray and enjoyed immensely.  Haven't seen the stage version, and I guess the couple of songs not in the film but played during the credits ("He's Got Cooties" was one of them) were performed in the stage version.  Though the film is too fluffy and cute to really deal with political and social issues surrounding racial integration, it manages to sweep you up in a big warm interracial hug anyway and, going by the crowd I watched it with, a fine time was had by all.  The younger members of the audience may not have recognized John Waters as the neighborhood flasher in the neighborhood song at the opening, nor been much aware that the fat mom was played by the star of Grease and Sat. Night Fever and Battleship Earth, but they heard some fine music and lyrics and saw some stunning dance numbers.  No doubt they may have cringed, or averted the eyes, when such ancients as Michelle Pfeiffer and Christopher Walken went into a clinch, ditto Walken and Travolta, but some of them, through a cage of fingers, may have noticed that the man who secreted a wristwatch in his ass in  Pulp Fiction seems little worse for wear and dances gracefully.  As for the ingenue Nikki Bronsky...fat Jewish chicks rule! 

2097  Arts / Movies / Re: Movies on: July 27, 2007, 11:35:10 AM
Harrie, I would love to be dominated by Danish-American actresses.

And I bow to your masterful pedantry!  You have learned much, grasshopper.

2098  Home and Garden / Food Matters / Re: Food Matters on: July 27, 2007, 11:31:56 AM
The mouse was going to get into that bag of Fritos....

or die frying.

2099  Books / Meander Where You May / Re: Meander Where You May on: July 27, 2007, 11:18:13 AM
They used to believe cats would suck the souls out of babies, as cats would be attracted to the milk breath and be caught licking around the babies mouth after it had been suckling.

Now, of course, we have television.

2100  Arts / Movies / Re: Movies on: July 27, 2007, 11:09:34 AM
I wanna rock and roll all ni-ight....

and PART OF every day!

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