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Author Topic: Comedy  (Read 32872 times)

Holly Martins

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #45 on: July 25, 2021, 05:24:05 PM »

Q. Why did the Scientist install a knocker on his door?

 
A. He wanted to win the No-bell prize.

(this is my offering for a Really Dreadful Jokes Contest,  if anyone is interested)
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Holly Martins

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #46 on: September 12, 2021, 11:25:42 AM »

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Oilcandide

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #47 on: September 14, 2021, 07:28:03 PM »

RIP Norm MacDonald.  Left us way too early, at 61.  Great performer and writer of comedy.   
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.   - Terry Pratchett

Hairy Lime

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #48 on: September 14, 2021, 10:40:07 PM »

RiP Turd Ferguson.
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Who does this treachery? I shout with bleeding hand.

Holly Martins

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #49 on: September 17, 2021, 05:17:15 PM »

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
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Holly Martins

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #50 on: September 17, 2021, 05:23:13 PM »

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Holly Martins

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #51 on: September 22, 2021, 10:02:11 AM »

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Oilcandide

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #52 on: November 23, 2021, 12:27:52 PM »

BERLIN (AP)

 A man in Germany has discovered the hard way that its best to get a driving license first before trying to use it.

Police in Bergheim, near Cologne, said Tuesday that the 37 year old drove himself to his driving test, parking an Opel Zafira outside the test center in front of an astonished examiner.

They said he told police officers who were called to the scene on Monday that he had only driven because he wanted to make sure to get to the driving test on time.

His test was immediately called off. The man now faces an investigation for driving without a license. Police also opened an investigation of the cars owner.
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.   - Terry Pratchett

Holly Martins

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #53 on: December 16, 2021, 03:52:33 PM »

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didnt stop for directions.

 I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnt know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I have never played before for this homeless man. And as I played, the workers began to weep.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

      I never seen anything like that before, and I have been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
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Oilcandide

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #54 on: January 06, 2022, 02:50:37 PM »

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.  My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.   - Terry Pratchett

Oilcandide

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #55 on: January 08, 2022, 01:26:57 PM »

Why is it...when you send something by car it's called a shipment, and when you send it by ship it's called cargo?

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.   - Terry Pratchett

Oilcandide

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #56 on: January 17, 2022, 01:04:39 PM »

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.   - Terry Pratchett

josh

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #57 on: January 18, 2022, 01:06:35 PM »

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The day Richard Nixon failed to answer that subpoena is the day he was subject to impeachment because he took the power from Congress over the impeachment process away from Congress, and he became the judge and jury." ~Lindsey Graham

josh

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #58 on: January 18, 2022, 01:09:53 PM »

I got a twofer today.

I received an email that teased a story from their site with the following:
"Super-old Human Remains."

I presumed when I opened it that it would tell me where this person remains, but no!

Instead, I found this headline:
"Modern humans lived in eastern Africa 38,000 years earlier than thought"

It's a wonder they managed to escape the predators!
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The day Richard Nixon failed to answer that subpoena is the day he was subject to impeachment because he took the power from Congress over the impeachment process away from Congress, and he became the judge and jury." ~Lindsey Graham

Holly Martins

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Re: Comedy
« Reply #59 on: January 19, 2022, 06:33:56 PM »

Heh!  (Always enjoy the word play)

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