Alexandra Petri Washington Post 5:30 pm
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EMERGENCY BROADCAST!
The Justice Department is proud to announce its first-ever Purge! If there is a crime you have been tempted to commit, or to overlook — well, if you think it will benefit President Trump in some way, please, let nothing hold you back!
Commencing at the siren, any and all white-collar crimes — including bribery, extortion, conspiracy and lying to the FBI — will be legal for a minimum of eight continuous months, provided it is undertaken for the benefit of Trump.
Justice Dept. moves to drop case against former national security adviser Michael Flynn
The Justice Department will not be available to make any case against you. It will see its way clear to letting you go. It will say that it can’t muster proof even if you have literally admitted to the crime in court. Please let the department know whether there is anything further it can do to help you or, through you, the president! That is why the Justice Department is there. (Thank you, Leaders, for this clear reinterpretation of the attorney general’s function!)
This measure is necessary for the safety and health of the commonwealth! It was noted that a high proportion of the people around Trump (long may he reign) were attempting crimes and getting convicted of crimes. Would the president of the United States deliberately surround himself with people too criminal, incompetent or both to avoid the apparently continuous doing of crimes? Or worse, not deliberately? No!
Clearly, if all the people around the president were doing these things, perhaps they ought not be crimes. Or perhaps we were wrong in identifying crimes as “bad.” Maybe crime is good. Or, if not good in itself, good when it helps Trump.
This is when the notion of the Purge occurred to us. Now, so long as you are doing it in a way that you think will make Trump smile, please, go forth and crime with impunity. If there is anything corrupt you have been holding off on doing because you were worried you would run afoul of the law, ask yourself tonight: What law?
Don’t even worry about the appearance of impropriety. The appearance of impropriety only matters when people think impropriety is bad, and the American people, by electing Trump, spoke with a single voice to say, we would like improper people plagued by conflicts of interest to be placed in charge of not one thing but everything.
Please, indulge. The president does not mind. If he personally has not done anything wrong, it was by mistake, and not deliberate on his part.
So hunker down! Evade taxes! Tonight we will see many Senate seats huddled in saferooms as governors try to burst their way through and sell them to the highest bidder. Roger Stone will gallop around astride a pale horse, doing Roger Stone things. Tonight the streets will run with cones, dumped there out of sheer political motives that do not technically help the president.
(Please note that immunity for crimes undertaken for your personal benefit without reference to President Trump cannot be guaranteed. But you will probably still be fine.)
Thank you and have a pleasant Purge!
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