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Author Topic: Comedy  (Read 127760 times)
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Hamilton the First
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« Reply #990 on: April 06, 2017, 05:08:19 PM »

Say hello to Frank, Don.
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Hamilton the First
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« Reply #991 on: April 06, 2017, 05:40:14 PM »

This guy was hitting the mini-bar a bit too often:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/movies/mini-me-actor-verne-troyer-hospitalized-alcohol-addiction-article-1.3026012
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« Reply #992 on: April 16, 2017, 02:12:13 PM »

"I don't know why they say you're so dumb."

"Yeah, well I wouldn't brag about that, if I was you."

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« Reply #993 on: April 17, 2017, 11:07:00 AM »

Here's a headline that you want to be REALLY careful when you read it.

Especially if you're a guy with lazy reading skills and a very vivid, picture based, imagination.

You have been warned:



Chris Christie Heads for the Door, Minus the Earlier Throngs


There's no way for the alternate reading to produce a pleasant picture.

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« Reply #994 on: April 28, 2017, 04:22:42 PM »

Does he go here? Does he go into music?

He's a clown.


You're going to say, "Wow! That was good!"


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Hamilton the First
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« Reply #995 on: May 22, 2017, 11:25:23 AM »

Maybe if he tells them that there is only one letter separating Cosby from Crosby:
http://www.philly.com/philly/news/pennsylvania/amid-media-blitz-cosby-seeks-open-minded-jurors-in-emerald-city-of-pittsburgh-20170520.html?nlid=10794954&
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« Reply #996 on: June 06, 2017, 02:12:09 PM »

Comedians in the news.

Da did da dit dee dit dee dit Bwa ha bwa ha bwa ha di dit di dit Da did da dit dee dit dee dit Bwa ha bwa ha bwa ha di dit di dit Da did da dit dee dit dee dit Bwa ha bwa ha bwa ha di dit di dit Da did da dit dee dit dee dit Bwa ha bwa ha bwa ha di dit di dit  Etc and so on
Bill Cosby. Cos why? BillCos we liked you. IMO. I really don't care. There's lots of reasons to care, but, in all reality, there have been much worse things that have happened to people (both the victims and the alleged perpetrator) and I don't really care. All in all.

Look, back then we used to see ads in the backs of comic books for "Spanish Fly" which was supposed to make women let you "do" with them. It was supposed to make them all hot and bothered, and at the same time not bothered by the idea that you weren't hot!

I never sent away for the stuff, because, well it was in an ad at the back of a comic book! If it really worked, why wouldn't it be available everywhere? Plus, while I was the age where I read comic books, I wasn't particularly interested in girls or sex.

I'm not going to judge a guy, today, harshly for something that was "widely accepted" back in the days.

Meanwhile, that's pretty creepy Cos. You're certainly not the only one, shit, ruffies are a problem we don't hear much about, but they're out there. How do you think they get viewers for those "Sex while she's sleeping" pornos? There must be those guys who consider that as a viable solution for their problems.

Meanwhile, meanwhile, Cosby lived by being famous and now fame is biting him on the dick. That's show business. I really don't care. I have tried, but there is enough on both sides of this that it evens out to "whatever." (be advised, my not caring is not a reflection on the women. I don't think that they should have been abused like that. Period)

Bill Maher.

I didn't see the episode until after I read about the "controversy."

Here's my position (I'm not married to it, but until someone can make a strong argument against, I'll keep it) I am absolutely against white people calling black people Nigger. My writing on this has been consistent. At the same time, I do not feel (especially in a comedy context) that the word itself should be bastardized to "The N word" or N****r or some such.

I won't hide behind the semantics. The word means what the word means.

So Maher, whom, I will say, is a second rate comedian. He's good, real good, but he's no Robin Williams, he's no George Carlin, He's no Richard Pryor, he's no Bill Cosby. He's a Jay Leno caliber comedian. He knows how to make jokes and how to riff with comedians, he knows what's funny and what isn't. He's better than a lot of comedians that make a lot more money. Jerry Seinfeld is funny, but I think Maher is funnier. Ray Romano. I mention Romano because Chris Rock (who was in the conversation if not the actual news lately) says, "I'm doing OK, but my being blue is what has held me back, you want to see rich look at the guys that didn't go blue, look at Ray Romano!" Jeff Foxworthy is another example, but I digress into Listomania.

Maher was talking with a Republican Senator from some flyover red state and the guy seems to be a really semi sensible guy (if you ignore the environment) who says, along the lines of, "Come, visit us in ____ and you can work the fields with us." to which Maher says "Work the fields? But I'm a house nigger." Which, if I remember correctly is a paraphrase of something from Gone With The Wind.

I think it is a funny, self deprecating punch line. A witticism. EXACTLY the sort of thing we pay the Bill Mahers of the world to be able to do. I think it is funny. And this is political humor. I don't see the justification for outrage.

Kathy Griffin:

If ever there was a need for a MIRV, this Griffin would be it.

The one thing that really surprised me with this was that when she did her apology she did it without makeup! Holy CRAP! Take about blowing your cover! She could live right next door, I wouldn't have thought she was the same woman! Clarke Kent to Superman this ain't!

I have never been a Kathy Griffin fan, "D list" at best! She just is not funny (IMHO)! Never had been. Well, maybe a little on Suddenly Susan, but then when the redhead on News Radio (Vicki Lewis) redid the part, Kathy was finito.

I also get the impression that she was pulling a Colbert, with his "dick holster" comment. Trump is the stilted Ringmaster of the travelling circus and the clowns are tasked with making him trip and fall. Oh how we all want to see him flat on his face. The clown that trips him gets the brass ring.

I understand. I won't (I guess I just did) give her the second glance. Her trick was a fail. She's just not funny. CNN took her off New Year's Eve? Somebody gives a crap? Somebody watches CNN on New Year's Eve? And this is a person that I'm supposed to think knows something about life? Uh NO!

Kathy Griffin in makeup is a study in growing old. Out of makeup! I won't be able to see her in makeup and not know! The entire makeup industry ought to band together and give her $$$ to go away and never be seen again (or just never in makeup) because she goes to show you that beauty is only makeup deep!  

0199
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« Reply #997 on: June 09, 2017, 12:54:27 PM »

I can use something funny right about now.

I can't stand to talk about the state of the nation, or the state of the world.

I'll just have to conjure something up. Come ON funny... Two guys walk into a bar, you'd think after the first guy did it the second guy would have ducked.

OK, not exactly new or your own, but on the right track...

Why did the chicken cross the road? There is a KFC on this side! (probably not new, but new to me)

Did you hear the one about Chris Christie? Nobody cares. (It's funny because it's topical because it's not topical.)

I was driving the car the other day when a crow lands in the passenger seat and says, "Hey buddy, you got a light?" as he's putting a joint in his mouth.

I said, "There's no smoking in this car."

The crow looks at me like I'm the crazy one!

Actually, that one has potential.

Ok
  
Changed my answering machine this morning, here's how it goes.

"That was the DPRs and their big hit 'Ring Ring Ring Ring, right here on WDYW (Jingle: What Do You Waaannt?) Don't forget to leave your request, and now here's our most requested song, Beep!"

(You gotta read it in an AM DJ voice, kind of like Wonderful WINO)

You know what was fun? Snap Chat was fun! I was funny on SnapChat. I liked the bee, I liked the dog, I liked the ladies in the hats, I dug the alien I had some real good alien bits. It's not easy, coming up with a full joke that fits into the (what is it?) 9 seconds. I mean, it's not hard, and sometimes the filter does most of the work. It crashed and burned up my phone. But then, my phone's camera is this guy

But while I had it I annoyed friends and embarrassed offspring regularly. (I'm thinking of getting a new phone and snap chat will have regained a star.)

Something funny, something funny...Let's see. You know, it's easier if you're pulling from the newspaper. I often see comedy writers like they're Beetlejuice, reading the obits. Not funny, #1. Grr... let's see. Let's see...

OK it's Friday afternoon in the almost Summer,

Let loose der wisen cracken on Golf!

I know, there are plenty of Golf jokes its a category all its own! What other sport has so many jokes about it? Maybe that's where I should be going, making jokes about other sports, but warm up with some old golf jokes...

"What's wrong with my shot?" "Loft." "Loft? What? It's too high, Not high enough, I'm hitting it too square, I need to be more on my toes when I hit it? What?" "Loft, Lack Of Fucking Talent!"

"Your problem is that you're standing to close to the ball, after you hit it."

"Hey Why can't these guys play at night?" (that's a long one, I guess when you have the next 4 hours , there's no need to have short jokes.)

"Well she was my wife!" (that joke has been told so many times, you probably know the set up.

Hey, listen, I told you it is hard to set the joke and get it done in 9 seconds... And I don't even have a old guy filter to wear while I'm telling these (although, when I get the new phone, with a much younger bird, I'm going to use that character to tell golf jokes!)

What's that? It's the boss... Yes sir...

I gotta go now.


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« Reply #998 on: July 01, 2017, 05:45:52 AM »

The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

---

Salute,

Tony V.
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« Reply #999 on: July 01, 2017, 07:20:38 PM »

The Knicks are in the NBA. What a joke!
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« Reply #1000 on: August 04, 2017, 12:43:12 PM »

I just went to see the den tist.

We're thinking about having a den put in.
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« Reply #1001 on: August 04, 2017, 12:56:49 PM »

New Internet abbreviations (shows how out of touch you are, it's all about the hash


tags #1 (I wonder what Hashtag 1 says... But then that's probably got less to do with syllable 2 than it should.)

(As a parenthetical, is there anyone who knows how/if it is correct to have parentheses and parenthetical thoughts within a parenthetical thought? And is there an author who uses them? (See, here... I know that Joseph Heller is a great user of parenthesis, it might be my favorite part of his writing style.) I'd be so happy to learn one way or the other.)

And now that you have that implication of where this comes from....

#LDB4UFD

Has anyone seen this used before? Is it already a shortcut? It seems like it ought to be given the number of people who post pictures of themselves in various stages of the pre FD (and post, not to mention their "friends" posting the during phase)

Lie Down Before You Fall Down.

If not, Dibs!

That's all I have to say about that.

Oh, no... This too

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« Reply #1002 on: August 13, 2017, 07:27:37 PM »

What Have the Romans Ever Done For Us?

From "Monty Python's Life of Brian"

Quote
The interior of MATTHIAS'S HOUSE. A darkened room with a very conspiratorial atmosphere. REG and STAN are seated at a table at one end of the room. FRANCIS, dressed in Activist gear — black robes and a red sash around his head — is standing by a plan on the wall. He is addressing an audience of about eight MASKED ActivistS. Their faces are partially hidden.

Francis:
We get in through the underground heating system here... up through to the main audience chamber here... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Xerxes:
What exactly are the demands?
Reg:
We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her.
Matthias:
Cut her head off?
Francis:
Cut all her bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour... show him we're not to be trifled with.
Reg:
Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius Caesar with his cock hanging out.
Stan:
What? They'll never agree to that, Reg.
Reg:
That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and... that we shall not submit to blackmail.
Omnes:
(Applause) No blackmail!
Reg:
They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
Stan:
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Reg:
Yes.
Stan:
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
Reg:
All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?
Xerxes:
The aqueduct.
Reg:
Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.
Masked Activist:
And the sanitation!
Stan:
Oh yes... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like.
Reg:
All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done...
Matthias:
And the roads...
Reg:
(sharply) Well yes obviously the roads... the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads...
Another Masked Activist:
Irrigation...
Other Masked Voices:
Medicine... Education... Health...
Reg:
Yes... all right, fair enough...
Activist Near Front:
And the wine...
Omnes:
Oh yes! True!
Francis:
Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg.
Masked Activist at Back:
Public baths!
Stan:
And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now.
Francis:
Yes, they certainly know how to keep order... (general nodding)... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.

(more general murmurs of agreement)
Reg:
All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us?
Xerxes:
Brought peace!
Reg:
(very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all) What!? Oh... (scornfully) Peace, yes... shut up!
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Hamilton the First
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« Reply #1003 on: August 14, 2017, 05:23:03 PM »

The White House is a joke.
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